Friday, January 14, 2011

after three month

after three months of hiatus or uninspired and lazy days to be precise, i promised my self i need to start writing again within this week, so here i am, trying to write something out of nothing.

i used to have so much to write regarding all the dark and twisty feelings i had, but now, i don't know... i just found myself uninspired. maybe it's right what people said, that pain is inspiring. some of the great story come from sorrow and pain is what makes music industry succeed, i mean, come on, no one writes a song about the easy one.

and then, i realized something. something that i let slipped my mind. something unthinkable simply because i never let myself thought it because i never thought i will ever be.

i realized the fact that i'm no longer trapped in my sadness. i'm no longer wrapped in my imaginary unformed pain that i used to have. i'm no longer that person. maybe it's because i finally set myself free from a certain jackass who not once, not twice, but few too many times broke my heart, or maybe it's just my sane-mind talking while it still sane, or maybe it's the age, well i don't know for sure. what i know is i'm change. and this come as a little shocker for me because i don't believe that people can change. they adapted, but they still the same inside. well, or maybe i am just adapting. adapting to i don't quite know what.

my friend said that maybe i grew up, i get more mature. it comes with the age, he said. maybe. maybe i just outgrew the pain, the darkness. or maybe, just maybe.. maybe i finally let myself to be not sad. i was so afraid of the idea of happiness. the idea of not sad and not feeling the pain because the idea of the happiness falling apart was way worse than anything that i can handle, so i sabotage my own happiness. i let my self thought that i can't be happy, that i will always be sad and miserable and the pain will never be heal. but now, maybe my friend was right. i become more mature. i'm wiser. i see things better and clearly and i just let things the way it supposed to be. i feel sad when i feel sad. i feel miserable when i fell miserable. and i will felt happy when i feel happy.


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