i hope being hopeful will get me somewhere somehow

i may look as a pessimist, the half-empty glass kind of girl. the kind of person who always look in the bad side and didn't believe of the good ones.
well, maybe i am. but i'm also hopeful.
i don't believe much. as a girl who grown up with happily-ever-after-fairy-tale-stories, i don't really believe in happily ever after. i believed once, but not anymore. i also don't have a big, strong, unbreakable faith that could pull me out of the darkness. i don't have anything absolute to hold on to. i'm basically the life-proof of what people may called 'a mess', but i'm hopeful.
i'm not a happy person, or an optimist kind of girl.
i'm not a positive person, i even think that being positive is way too overrated. but i am a hopeful person, the kind of person who always get a little bit of hope running in her heart, someone who always had a dream of something better will happen.
i am a mess. and i sort of afraid of being happy. and i'm not ok, and actually i don't know when i will be ok again. but i'm hopeful. and i hope being hopeful will get me somewhere somehow.

after three month

after three months of hiatus or uninspired and lazy days to be precise, i promised my self i need to start writing again within this week, so here i am, trying to write something out of nothing.

i used to have so much to write regarding all the dark and twisty feelings i had, but now, i don't know... i just found myself uninspired. maybe it's right what people said, that pain is inspiring. some of the great story come from sorrow and pain is what makes music industry succeed, i mean, come on, no one writes a song about the easy one.

and then, i realized something. something that i let slipped my mind. something unthinkable simply because i never let myself thought it because i never thought i will ever be.

i realized the fact that i'm no longer trapped in my sadness. i'm no longer wrapped in my imaginary unformed pain that i used to have. i'm no longer that person. maybe it's because i finally set myself free from a certain jackass who not once, not twice, but few too many times broke my heart, or maybe it's just my sane-mind talking while it still sane, or maybe it's the age, well i don't know for sure. what i know is i'm change. and this come as a little shocker for me because i don't believe that people can change. they adapted, but they still the same inside. well, or maybe i am just adapting. adapting to i don't quite know what.

my friend said that maybe i grew up, i get more mature. it comes with the age, he said. maybe. maybe i just outgrew the pain, the darkness. or maybe, just maybe.. maybe i finally let myself to be not sad. i was so afraid of the idea of happiness. the idea of not sad and not feeling the pain because the idea of the happiness falling apart was way worse than anything that i can handle, so i sabotage my own happiness. i let my self thought that i can't be happy, that i will always be sad and miserable and the pain will never be heal. but now, maybe my friend was right. i become more mature. i'm wiser. i see things better and clearly and i just let things the way it supposed to be. i feel sad when i feel sad. i feel miserable when i fell miserable. and i will felt happy when i feel happy.