Tuesday, April 12, 2011

hoping for a moment of clarity

People hope for a happiness, for shiny beautiful life.
People expect greatness comes to life.
People want a second chance, an experience.
People hope and expect and want and pray for a lot of things.
But me? I hope for a moment.
One single moment that so significant it will change my life. People hope for romance of life. People praying so God have romance with them. People hope for anything. But I don’t. I hope for a moment.

You know those movies? Where a single moment can define everything, can give a clarity, can change everything? Like ‘the saturday detention’ in ‘the breakfast club’ where 5 ultimately different people required to sat together and there’s a moment when they’re talking that change them. No one saying it, but everything’s change. Or a simple train ride can give jesse’s and celine’s life so much meaning in ‘before sunrise’. A moment. Just a moment. That’s what I’m hoping for.

I said before that I am a hopeful person. Not a positive one or an optimist one, but hopeful. So when other people hope for love and happiness and romance and life, I hope for a moment. A moment that I could point out and said “that’s the moment when everything’s change”.
Well, I’m not being hypocrite, or full of shit, I do hope the moment bring something good. I do hope the moment bring clarity. I’m hoping for a defining moment that makes all the cloud disappeared, and make everything’s make a more sense.

So yeah. I’m not longing for any sort kind of romance in life, I’m just hopeful for a moment that can bring me some clarity.

friends appreciation post

i feel like in need to be grateful because i got the best friend one could ever gotten.

i may not have an army of friends, but the friends i have are the best friends one could ever have.

i may not met a new friends every single day, but the friends i met are the best friends one could ever met.

i may have been left by some people I considered friends, but the friends that stayed are the best friends one could ever asked.

there are two types of girl. the simple girl who seem to had everything worked out, whose life seem flawless and perfect and nice and easy. and the other one, is the "me" girl. the one who twisted and complicated, and need a lot of works and got caught up in some messy life-tortured scheme. yeah, everyone who read this will instantly saw themselves as the "me" girl while we saw other girl as the simple girl.

that's natural. we always see ourselves as the massive mess, as the wrong one, as the broken one. i don't know why, but maybe it's easier that way. it's easier to think that we are a mess, that we are emotionally broken, it may caused by a little bit envy, and a lot of questioning "why the hell they life seem completely worked out while mine completely messed up?!" or maybe, so we have all the right excuse to be messed up, to be sloppy, to be disappointed and be the disappointment.

as i sat in my bedroom, with my bugs bunny face mug filled with a hot tea, what i saw is that messed-up, broken-inside girl with a twisted and complicated life typing and try to make sense about everything. do i look at my self that way so i have all the excuse when life is getting hard? so i could just said, "hey, that's my life... i'm the messy girl with a messy life" and people would understood my limitation? or maybe i just don't want to face the reality that maybe... i, was the disappointment, because by being the victim it gave us the place where we are the one who's always been disappointed by others.

or maybe... just maybe, i just tryin' to found some inspiration among those pain and misery, because like people said, pain is inspiring. but no matter why, in the end this is how i protect my self, by see my self broken so no one could break me anymore, by see my self as a basket case, a mess, so no one could mess me even more.

so which one are you?

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