we could only be what people want to see us as...

you know the saying about "you could be whatever you wanted to be" or "do whatever you wanted to do because life is too short to fill with regrets" ?
i'd say those are the biggest lie one could ever tell because no you can't.
you can not be whatever you wanted to be or do whatever you wanted to do because society won't let you, because your bitch of a mom wouldn't let you and because life is such a pain in the ass it won't let you be whatever you wanted to be or do whatever you wanted to do.

those sayings are just lies that been told from generation to generation, spreading like a disease. a fairy tales that we told our kids or our friends so they dare to dream about something before it shattered when they realize no, they cant be whatever they wanted to be or do whatever they wanted to do.

stop telling me i can be whatever i want because i can't, neither are you. so we need to wake up and face the reality that at the end of the day it's what people saw is what we really become. it's not about what i want or what you want, but what people want to see us as...

if they desire to see us as a jerk than we are a jerk, if they want to see us as a bitch than we are a bitch. we could only be what people want to see us as...

hoping for a moment of clarity

People hope for a happiness, for shiny beautiful life.
People expect greatness comes to life.
People want a second chance, an experience.
People hope and expect and want and pray for a lot of things.
But me? I hope for a moment.
One single moment that so significant it will change my life. People hope for romance of life. People praying so God have romance with them. People hope for anything. But I don’t. I hope for a moment.

You know those movies? Where a single moment can define everything, can give a clarity, can change everything? Like ‘the saturday detention’ in ‘the breakfast club’ where 5 ultimately different people required to sat together and there’s a moment when they’re talking that change them. No one saying it, but everything’s change. Or a simple train ride can give jesse’s and celine’s life so much meaning in ‘before sunrise’. A moment. Just a moment. That’s what I’m hoping for.

I said before that I am a hopeful person. Not a positive one or an optimist one, but hopeful. So when other people hope for love and happiness and romance and life, I hope for a moment. A moment that I could point out and said “that’s the moment when everything’s change”.
Well, I’m not being hypocrite, or full of shit, I do hope the moment bring something good. I do hope the moment bring clarity. I’m hoping for a defining moment that makes all the cloud disappeared, and make everything’s make a more sense.

So yeah. I’m not longing for any sort kind of romance in life, I’m just hopeful for a moment that can bring me some clarity.

friends appreciation post

i feel like in need to be grateful because i got the best friend one could ever gotten.

i may not have an army of friends, but the friends i have are the best friends one could ever have.

i may not met a new friends every single day, but the friends i met are the best friends one could ever met.

i may have been left by some people I considered friends, but the friends that stayed are the best friends one could ever asked.

there are two types of girl. the simple girl who seem to had everything worked out, whose life seem flawless and perfect and nice and easy. and the other one, is the "me" girl. the one who twisted and complicated, and need a lot of works and got caught up in some messy life-tortured scheme. yeah, everyone who read this will instantly saw themselves as the "me" girl while we saw other girl as the simple girl.

that's natural. we always see ourselves as the massive mess, as the wrong one, as the broken one. i don't know why, but maybe it's easier that way. it's easier to think that we are a mess, that we are emotionally broken, it may caused by a little bit envy, and a lot of questioning "why the hell they life seem completely worked out while mine completely messed up?!" or maybe, so we have all the right excuse to be messed up, to be sloppy, to be disappointed and be the disappointment.

as i sat in my bedroom, with my bugs bunny face mug filled with a hot tea, what i saw is that messed-up, broken-inside girl with a twisted and complicated life typing and try to make sense about everything. do i look at my self that way so i have all the excuse when life is getting hard? so i could just said, "hey, that's my life... i'm the messy girl with a messy life" and people would understood my limitation? or maybe i just don't want to face the reality that maybe... i, was the disappointment, because by being the victim it gave us the place where we are the one who's always been disappointed by others.

or maybe... just maybe, i just tryin' to found some inspiration among those pain and misery, because like people said, pain is inspiring. but no matter why, in the end this is how i protect my self, by see my self broken so no one could break me anymore, by see my self as a basket case, a mess, so no one could mess me even more.

so which one are you?

i hope being hopeful will get me somewhere somehow

i may look as a pessimist, the half-empty glass kind of girl. the kind of person who always look in the bad side and didn't believe of the good ones.
well, maybe i am. but i'm also hopeful.
i don't believe much. as a girl who grown up with happily-ever-after-fairy-tale-stories, i don't really believe in happily ever after. i believed once, but not anymore. i also don't have a big, strong, unbreakable faith that could pull me out of the darkness. i don't have anything absolute to hold on to. i'm basically the life-proof of what people may called 'a mess', but i'm hopeful.
i'm not a happy person, or an optimist kind of girl.
i'm not a positive person, i even think that being positive is way too overrated. but i am a hopeful person, the kind of person who always get a little bit of hope running in her heart, someone who always had a dream of something better will happen.
i am a mess. and i sort of afraid of being happy. and i'm not ok, and actually i don't know when i will be ok again. but i'm hopeful. and i hope being hopeful will get me somewhere somehow.

after three month

after three months of hiatus or uninspired and lazy days to be precise, i promised my self i need to start writing again within this week, so here i am, trying to write something out of nothing.

i used to have so much to write regarding all the dark and twisty feelings i had, but now, i don't know... i just found myself uninspired. maybe it's right what people said, that pain is inspiring. some of the great story come from sorrow and pain is what makes music industry succeed, i mean, come on, no one writes a song about the easy one.

and then, i realized something. something that i let slipped my mind. something unthinkable simply because i never let myself thought it because i never thought i will ever be.

i realized the fact that i'm no longer trapped in my sadness. i'm no longer wrapped in my imaginary unformed pain that i used to have. i'm no longer that person. maybe it's because i finally set myself free from a certain jackass who not once, not twice, but few too many times broke my heart, or maybe it's just my sane-mind talking while it still sane, or maybe it's the age, well i don't know for sure. what i know is i'm change. and this come as a little shocker for me because i don't believe that people can change. they adapted, but they still the same inside. well, or maybe i am just adapting. adapting to i don't quite know what.

my friend said that maybe i grew up, i get more mature. it comes with the age, he said. maybe. maybe i just outgrew the pain, the darkness. or maybe, just maybe.. maybe i finally let myself to be not sad. i was so afraid of the idea of happiness. the idea of not sad and not feeling the pain because the idea of the happiness falling apart was way worse than anything that i can handle, so i sabotage my own happiness. i let my self thought that i can't be happy, that i will always be sad and miserable and the pain will never be heal. but now, maybe my friend was right. i become more mature. i'm wiser. i see things better and clearly and i just let things the way it supposed to be. i feel sad when i feel sad. i feel miserable when i fell miserable. and i will felt happy when i feel happy.

you are the one who should define who you really are. not them.

we go round and round, here and there try to make sense out of our existence.

we try to define ourselves. who we really are. is it just some kind a mask that we’ve been always putting on? or is that the real face?

but then we get lonely trying to figure out everything on our own. so we go here and there, make people define who we are. and we started hate being alone, doing things on our own. then we just let people told us who we are and who we supposed to be and how we supposed to be. then we let other people define who we really are.

we let who’s our friends define who we really are. we let who’s we dated define who we really are. we let who’s designer clothes that we wore define who we really are. we let people define who really are because we’re either too lazy to try defining who we really are by ourselves or we’re just too afraid to define who we really are by ourselves.

so we do what people told us to do. we try to exceeds what society expect us to be. we go round and round do what people think we should do.

but in the end, it’s not up to them who you are or who you want to become, because no matter what people said about you, you are alone in this one, you are the one who should define who you really are. not them.

life is indeed a fairy-tale

from just a little kid, we’ve been taught to believe the “live happily ever after” myth. all books we read, all movies we watched, all the stories that been told tell us about how a person live happily ever after at the very end of the story. And for generation that been raised by dream-sold-out movies like Cinderella, Peter Pan, Aladdin, and so on , so on, we grew up by thinking that life is indeed a fairy tale that everyone will live happily ever after and that dreams do come true like they all said.

then we grew up. with a hopes that our live is also a fairy-tale like the stories said. that we are the princess who gets the prince charming. that we are the person who get what we want in the end of the story. but then life came along. eating all the hopes we have little by little. we start questioning whether fairy-tale life that we used to heard and dreamed about really are true or it’s just a bullshit notion some crazy-romantic-prick created to sell their story. in the mean time, when life seem always get in your way, tricked you, and played you, and gave you every reason not to believe whatever you used to believed, a little piece of you are still the same kid who used to heard all the happy-ending stories, you are still the kid who keep hoping the best of life would come and you can joined all those happy face you remembered from every happy-ending movies you ever watched, you are still the kid who wants to believe even it seem nearly impossible to do.

i am that kid. i started to questioned everything. every beliefs that i ever had. then life keeps getting on my way and it seems easier just to be a non-believer. it’s easier when you’re stop believing that love, happiness are exist cos when you didn’t get one you didn’t end up disappointed cos you think those things are not exist. it’s easier when you don’t believe that all the dreams, and hopes, and prayers will coming true because you won’t feel any disappointment when your hopes, dreams, and prayer didn’t come true. but i still that kid. inside all those non-believe crap i put, i still the same kid who grew up by watching Snow White, Cinderella, Red Riding Hood, Sleeping Beauty. i still the same kid who believe that dreams do come true and life is a fairy tale.

i’m twenty years old. and i spent half of it spoil my self watching and reading and listened all those happy-ending, fairy-tale-life stories. and the other half of it hoping that my life someday will be like those happy-ending, fairy-tale-life stories without realizing that maybe my life is already a fairy-tale, the only problem is even in the fairy tale not everyone can have happy-ending story, live happily ever after. and not everyone can be the princess or the prince for that matter or the lead character if i may say. there’s always two Cinderella’s ugly step sisters, or evil queen who died, and not to forget ugly duckling still ugly until the end of the story comparing to all the swans. so yeah. life is pretty much a fairy tale, just i’m not that lucky to be the main character who get her happy-ending life. or maybe not yet.

not everyone live happily ever after

Dari kecil kita diajarkan untuk percaya hidup bahagia selamanya.
Live happily ever after.
Itu juga yang membuat semua buku dongeng anak- anak, semua film kartun mengajarkan bahwa seberat apapun hidup, suatu saat nanti kita semua akan hidup bahagia, semua mimpi- mimpi kita akan jadi kenyataan. Seperti Walt Disney ajarkan ke kita semua “dreams do come true…”.

Sebagai generasi yang besar dengan asuhan film- film Disney seperti Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, dan banyak film- film berakhir bahagia lain nya, kita tumbuh sambil terus percaya bahwa semua impian kita akan jadi kenyataan dan kita akan hidup bahagia.

Tapi ternyata hidup nampaknya selalu punya cara untuk menghalangi kita hidup bahagia, dan selalu punya cara untuk kita berhenti percaya bahwa impian- impian kita bisa jadi kenyataan.

Dalam dua puluh tahun gue hidup, setengahnya dihabiskan untuk menonton film- film manja yang membuat gue begitu manja nya percaya kalau suatu saat nanti semua akan hidup bahagia, dan semua impian akan jadi kenyataan, dan setengahnya lagi gue habiskan seolah untuk membuktikan bahwa hidup ini mungkin sama dengan dongeng- dongeng itu.
Tapi ternyata gue melewatkan satu point penting, bahwa tidak semua tokoh dalam dongeng nya hidup bahagia.

"Mouth: Take a look at yourself in a mirror who do you see looking back?
Haley: Is it the person you want to be?
Dan: Or is there someone else you were meant to be the person you were meant to be but fell short of?
Mia: Is someone telling you you can’t or won’t? Because you can.
Chase: Believe that love is out there.
Nathan: Believe that dreams come true every day.  Because they do.
Peyton: Sometimes happiness doesn’t come from money or fame or power.  Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and the quiet nobility of leading a good life.
Julian: Believe that dreams come true every day.  Because they do.
Brooke: Believe that dreams come true every day.  Because they do.
Peyton: So take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy because you deserve to be.  Believe that.
Lucas: And believe that dreams come true every day.  Because they do." - One Tree Hill season 06 episode 24.

I really do want to believe that dreams, hopes, and prayers do come true every day, or some day for that matter.
I do.
But I don't know why, life seem always gave me reasons not to believe.

how tv series save my life

you know why i love tv series and Disney cartoon so much?
call me a dork by saying this, but i think those tv series and those disney’s movies i love so much kinda’ save my life.
you know why i love series like ugly betty, one tree hill, being erica and movies like cinderella, up, and all those cartoons?
it’s all because those series and those cartoons are about dreams..
they talk about dreams, about don't let yourself be too afraid to dreaming.
they talk about dream big and try to make it happen and it did happen there.
they talk about how to pursue your happiness. how to achieve the dream you had.
they talk about it’s okay to have dreams, it’s okay to have hopes, it’s okay to actually believes that good things did happens.
and for someone who’s afraid to dreaming, who’s afraid to hoping, who’s afraid to be happy, watching those series and those cartoons just make me want to believe again.
it all gave me hopes.
it all make me want to believe that there’s something great out there, that there’s still faith left to hold on to, that it’s okay to believe that good things aren’t just a myth.
i know it sound so damn geek…
but i really- really wanted to believe again that there is still greatness left out there. and good things does happens…
yeah i did realize that these might sound so freakin' dorky and weird and come of as a really- really unhealthy behaviour, but hey everyone needs a reminder to keep believing in good things when they stop believing, right?

my own leading role

if i said i don't like my life, it might sound too harsh on my self, and not hundred percent true because, first, in some way my life not seem too bad, and second, i don't think i really do have some 'life'.

... yeah... it does sound pretty sad.

you know how in every movie there's always this person who always be the friend? the supporting character role? the not-so-significant-character-who-yet-needed-to-complete-the-picture?

well, that's me...

i'm the friend. the best friend. the supporting character. or whatever that is, who stand on the sideway.

but even some not-so-significant-character-who-yet-needed-to-complete-the-picture wants to get her own show once in a while.

even if i am no main character material, i do want to be some story heroine. the main character, the leading role.

but hell, who am i kidding?

i know for sure i am no main character material.

i don't have the look, i don't have the body, i don't have the image, i don't have the juice, i don't even have any story for that matter, because right now, i am twenty bloody years old, and i'm practically never done anything in my life. never done anything concrete in my life.

then again, even the ugly duckling wants to be to be the swan, the cinderella's step sisters want to fill in cinderella's shoes, I too always wants to be the lead character of one story because it is tiring always be the supporting character (cos we always support the main character, of course). I want to be me. I want people to see me as me. I want to live my life as me. Because i'm tired of being someone's friend, someone's sibling, someone's kid, someone's best friend. i'm tired of being that girl from the next class, or the person who people can actually turn to when things got ugly or they wants to brag something, or just being "some girl".

i want to have life. an exciting life.

i want to have an adventure. fall in love in big city. going abroad. having a job that i love.

i want to go places. being fearless. and actually had a ball to do anything.

i want to living my own life, not just completing other people's life.

happy awesome day!

i used to said "someday i'll found my happiness..." or "one day i'll stopped being sad..." or " someday... someday i will finally feel fine again..." to feel a little positive.
i used to said "one day waking up is not hard anymore".
but i never knew that "someday" is today.
actually it was yesterday since today is already 29th and no longer 28th cos it's already 12.21 ...

first of all, happy birthday to me.


and for some one who dislike birthday so much, this year kinda' different cos i actually feel okay with my birthday.
usually i feel anxious when it comes to my birthday. well, i do freaking out little bit about the big two-o, but beside that i feel fine... maybe being twenty is not that bad after all...
and this year, finally, for the first time after 8 years i didn't shed a tears, not even a single tear. Big thing!!
and on top of that i woke up without the pains that usually there.
maybe i outgrew all my problems. maybe the pains just finally healed. or maybe, maybe i just don't give a damn rat's ass about it anymore.

how can i put this?
this birthday just perfect.
great family, fabulous friends, perfect presents and bunch of awesome birthday greetings. and the most important thing was i don't have any reason to feel sad.
after too much years being sad and feel miserable, i think i deserve to feel fine... :)

and i think, i have everyone to thank to...
my family, REJECTS, SG, my perfect stranger, agus, and everyone...
now, let's hope this fine feeling will be nice beginning to one nice life.
see? i even sound positive... *well, i think this one is not because my birthday, but either lack of sleep or too depressed because all the final assignments...*
i think sheila was right... i need to sleep...
so catch you friends, followers, readers, and stalkers later...
happy awesome day guys!!

"When i was sad, i just stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. true story. " - Barney Stinson
How I Met Your Mother

my class is awesome!

this two days was tiring but also so much fun!
jadi alkisah kelas photography gue mau ngadain kelas soal photo studio jadi disusun lah rencana photoshoot yang pada awalnya mau diadain hari selasa kemaren di studio kampus gue. tapi ternyata ngga jadi dan dipindah hari jadi hari sabtu di studio dosen gue di Tebet. ntah gimana ceritanya, rencana itu pun kembali batal dan diputuskanlah hari sabtu ini di smokar (smoking area) kampus gue.
seru nya, dari model, make-up, sampe konsep itu kita yang bikin. dan karena di kampus, kita harus sedia-in backdrop.
awalnya gue sama sekali ngga tertarik masuk tim inti garagara males. tapi jum'at kemaren waktu denger disuruh bikin backdrop dan diminta bantuan, gue pun menawarkan diri buat bantuin si Amang yang ngurusin backdrop (iya gue tau,gue ganjen banget sok nawarin diri)...
dan ternyata keputusan gue kurang tepat karena akhirnya ke-kepo-an gue mau bantu- bantu ini mengantarkan gue pada ngemper-ngemper di pinggir parkiran kampus sama anak- anak kelas gue ngamplas tripleks sampe tangan panas, kelelahan luar biasa setelah seharian hiperaktif karena kekurangan glukosa, naik motor keliling benhil bareng Amang yang bawa motor udah kayak pembalap demi nyari pylox dan cat, tangan celemotan cat, dan rasa sakit hati yang teramat dalam melihat backdrop awal yang gatot marotot (yang untungnya diselamatkan oleh sang bomber pondok indah yang bagaikan pahlawan berkuda putih, si AE) serta pulang macetmacetan soresore naik trans bsd.

mari gue kisahkan dari awal.
Jum'at, 18 Juni 2010.
dengan males gue make-up class org.comm dan psikologi. pas break, erwina ngasi pengumuman kalo tim inti photography mau minta tolong buat dibantuin nyiapin photo shoot buat hari sabtu. dan karena gue tau harus buat backdrop maka gue pun nawarin diri buat nge-bantuin.
selesai kelas jam 12, gue, vicka, uti, tasya, stacia, sama filda ke kantin dengan tujuan nyari makanan manis gara-gara gue udah super kurang waras karena kekurangan glukosa yang mengakibatkan gue suka 'melejit' tiba-tiba dengan gaya jogetnya mas-mas batavia dance. 'melejit' atau yang harus ditulis 'MELEJJJHHHIIIIEEEETTT' disini berarti tiba-tiba dan tanpa aba-aba berdiri, melebarkan tangan, dan berekspresi bagai mas-mas batavia dancer. ngobrol-ngobrol, ketawa-ketawa sampe merencanakan pencurian iPad dari anak batch 13, akhirnya amang sama bimo yang bertugas beli triplex, kayu, cat dan pylox dateng jam setengah 2-an. dan kita pun mulai kerja ngedasar-in tripleks pake cat putih dan di amplas. sekitar jam 3-an setelah triplex selesai dipasang kayu penyangga dan dikasih cat dasar, permasalahan utama muncul, "mau di gambarin apa tu tripleks?"
gue, uti, vicka, amang dan yang lain mulai lah mikirin konsep ide yang ternyata bikin kita butuh banget warna- warna gonjreng mentereng yang akhirnya menyebabkan gue harus ikut pergi sama amang nyari cat padahal gue harus rapat Mr. and Ms. LSPR. tapi setelah ijin, gue akhirnya pergi (baca : keliling benhil naik motor bareng amang yang bawa motor kayak anak balap) buat nyari pylox.
sampe di kampus, gue langsung cabut buat rapat, pas gue balik ke smokar, itu backdrop isinya cuma gambar- gambar abstrak acak adut ntah apaan yang ngga ada konsepnya sama sekali. gue pun lemes seketika.
di tengah ke-depresi-an gue sama amang memutuskan buat berenti bikin dulu dan berencana kembali mutihin semua nya dari awal. akhirnya kita pun minta gamas buat beli-in cat putih sama thiner.
pas saat itu muncul sang penolong, AE, yang kebetulan temen anak kelas gue yang rencana jadi model. AE ini bomber dan kita pun minta tolong dia. melihat keadaan backdrop kelas gue yang sangat amburadul dia pun cuma bisa suruh kita beli cat putih buat diputihin ulang. pas ini gue udah harus pulang...

sabtu, 19 Juni 2010
Jam 10 pagi gue udah di kampus, dan akhirnya ngobrol- ngobrol dan gegosipan dulu sama anak- anak yang udah sampe karena masih belom tau harus mulai kerjain backdrop yang kedua darimana.
backdrop yang kedua lebih simple, kita cuma mau lapisin tripleks nya pake koran item putih.
tapi ya tetep aja ya bokkkk.. itu tripleks segede gitu sih berasa juga ngerjain nya.
sekitar jam 11 an, gue pun mulai waras dan mulai ngajakin amang ngerjain backdrop.
dari awalnya kerja cuma berdua sama amang, terus sama dessen, sampe rame-rame, sampe tiba-tiba gue sendirian, sampe rame lagi, sampe sepi, sampe rame lagi, akhirnya kelar juga tuh backdrop.











padahal sih simple banget cuma nempelin koran di tripleks, tapi ternyata sekitar jam 2-an lewat baru bener-bener selesai setelah 2 kali nge-jeblak ketiup angin yang bikin gue lumayan miris, makan bakso, dan gue hampir nge-jeledak dari atas drum gara- gara naik buat ngebenerin bagian atas backdrop.
dan saya sungguh terimakasih pada dessen, amang, gerry, leo, tasya, filda, marcia, uti, dan ntah siapa lagi yang sudah sangat membatu penempelan si koran.











jam 3 lewat photo shoot nya mulai. ah gue sih cuma nyampah- nyampah doang.
keburu cape setelah naek- naek, jongkok-jongkok bikin backdrop. but it was fun!
jadi yasudahlah, saya agak rela sedikit hari sabtu ini masuk...
dan mungkin semua juga gara-gara anak-anak kelas gue yang emang ajaib dan gendeng semua isinya sampe semua bisa dijadiin becandaan dan ngapain aja jadi seru- seru aja...
so i think,
Advertising 12-1B is kinda' AWESOME *barney stinson tone*...

oya, i will post more picture later as soon as i can...

mas putri duyung-model iklan sabun-dan presenter gosip

seperti biasa, gue terlalu gatel untuk ngga ikutan ngomongin kasus si abang penyanyi terkenal kita yang baru-baru ini obsesi bintang bokep.
mungkin udah basi banget kali ya? tapi sungguh gue terlalu sibuk belakangan ini untuk buka blog *ini beneran, gue ngga bohong. sungguh*.

oke, bagi yang belom tau ceritanya (ih demi apapun juga ya lo ga gaul abis kalo ngga tau), ceritanya itu si akang yang bernama sama seperti putri duyung dan seorang vokalis band yang namanya sama kayak judul film disney (meski gue merasa band mereka lebih cocok bernama little mermaid since nama vokalisnya si putri duyung berambut merah itu) ini nampaknya obsesi banget jadi bintang bokep makanya dia seolah suka banget rekam- rekam dirinya yang sedang having sex. celaka oh celaka, petaka tak dapat ter elakan, laptop si akang yang nyimpen porofolio dunia per-artis-an bokep nya ini hilang, alhasil beberapa hari yang lalu dunia per-internet-an di hebohkan dengan munculnya video si akang ini lagi having sex sama pacarnya yang juga artis si mbakmbak yang jadi model iklan sabun itu. sungguh sangat menghebohkan meski isi video nya ngga seheboh orang- orang yang nonton karena kualitas gambarnya ya tuhan, jelek bener...

gue yang bangun-bangun baca twitter sempet ngga paham ada apaan dengan si masmas bernama bagai putriduyung ini dengan pacarnya si mbakmbak bintang iklan sabun.. eh baca dibaca, usut di usut ternyata terlah beredar video porno dengan mereka sebagai bintang nya. dengan sangat penasaran, sampe di kampus teryata temen-temen sekelas gue udah asik dan heboh nonton rame- rame *iya, kalian ngga salah baca, temen-temen gue 1 KELAS semuanya ikutan nonton udah kayak nonton layar tancep*.
dan komentar pertama gue setelah nonton video itu adalah : "well, at least you can fully shave your lady business before you recorded your sexual activity darling..."
no, seriously it is kinda disturbing.

eh belom reda nih berita heboh, tibatiba muncul lagi another video tapi kali ini cewenya udah bukan si mbakmbak model iklan sabun, tapi mbakmbak si pembawa acara gosip. setelah nonton, cuma 1 hal yang ada di kepala gue, "bless his pen*s for having so much vajayjay"
no, seriously, dari gossip yang beredar, video yang ada sebenernya total berjumlah 23 (ada juga yang bilang 32) yang artinya that lucky pen*s had have few too many vajayjay...

dan seperti yang sudah bisa diduga, semua orang (when i said semua orang, i mean SEMUA ORANG) sibuk ngomongin soal ini, dan alhasil kalimat 'ariel peterporn' pun jadi trending topic di twitter yang sebenernya sangat disayangkan kenapa malah gosip gapenting yang cuma jelekjelekin nama orang yang jadi trending topic dan bukannya #tolakdanaaspirasi yang jelas-jelas esensial yang jadi trending topic. but hell, who am i to judge all those people who busy gossiping about ariel since i do to because it is hard not to talk about this crazy event and it's even harder not to have comment about it...

but again, kalo menurut gue pribadi sih ya, it's not about the sex. ini bukan masalah si abang bernama bagai putri duyung menjajal shotgun nya kemana-mana, cos he can have sex with whoever he want even miss teen usa for all i care, so it's not about the sex, nor the partner switching or the fact he surely banged a LOT of hot chicks, ini bukan masalah sex nya. No, because what the hell, everyone have had sex or will have sex eventually, right? so what's the biggie about sex? So, no... it is not about the sex, tapi ini masalah YA TUHAN, ISENG BANGET SIH PAKE DIREKAM?
no, seriously, do you REALLY-REALLY need to tape it down everytime you shagged someone?
beneran deh, menurut gue dia ini iseng banget ngerekam- rekam dan moral cerita yang gue dapat setelah menonton video dia yang sama si mbak-mbak model iklan sabun adalah : si mas ini sungguh multi-tasking. kenapa gitu? karena meski lagi "sibuk" dia tetep konsen megangin kamera dan ngambil angle-angle mantap demi kejelasan adegan... sungguh luar biasa...

lalu, ditengah kericuhan dan kehebohan ini, muncul lah seorang dumbass yang ngakunya pengacara tapi lebih mirip tukang potong daging yang dengan gaul nya berkomentar kalau si abang dan si eneng yang ada di video ini harus ditindak pidana. dan bener aja lohhhh, kepolisian nampaknya menanggapi dan berniat menindak pidana si mas dan si mbak yang nasipnya sebenernya udah kasian banget ini.
buset deh, ini si pengacara slash tukang daging ini otaknya ngga pernah pulang kali ya? kemana-mana juga si abang putri duyung ini lah yang mustinya nuntut orang yang nyebarin, dan bukannya dituntut.
dan gue cuma mau bilang sama si pengacara tukang daging ini, "hey you f*rh*t, YOU CAN FUCK YOURSELF and stop mind other people business or you'll end up pathetically like roy sukro!" seriously, ngesok ngurusin orang bikin video untuk kepentingan pribadi padahal sendirinya sibuk kawin siri ke kanan ke kiri! do i have to buy you a mirror, you one hypocrite? and for all infotainment, just stop your ridiculous narration! that's just simply annoying, apalagi kalo yang bawain acara nya sok-sok misterius kayak lagi bawain acara dunia lain. mungkin mereka lebih cocok bawain acara infotainment alam maut... kenapa annoying? karena satu, gue nonton infotainment ngga mau ditakut-takutin sama muka presenternya yang belo bagai nahan boker sebulan atau dengan kalimat "akankah mereka dapat melewati semua ini?" yang nada nya sama kayak "akankah mereka lolos dari kandang singa ini?"
berasa paling bener dan membuat narasi- narasi menjebak while kita semua tau, infotainment are the worst!

dan please buat orang- orang diluar sana yang mendadak sok beragama dan sok bermoral sampe demo segala minta 3 orang terkait ini ditindak pidana, fuck you!
no, seriously... you guys act like you have no sin. sibuk demo ngurusin orang bikin sex tape sampe demo segala kayak orang kampung, berasa kayak ngga pernah nonton bokep aja lo semua!
and if, 3 orang ini atau siapapun yang punya kasus serupa bener- bener ditindak pidana, i should say that Indonesia is a freakin ridiculous! indonesia just hit it's bottom line! it is the new low and the new crazy memenjarakan orang karena having sex. dude, come on!
daripada sibuk ngurusin ini, mending lu urusin tuh pelecehan seksual di busway, atau pemerkosaan, atau apalah yang jelas lebih esensial ketimbang 2 (atau dikasus ini 3) orang yang sama-sama mau having sex.
well, God once said, "let him who is without sin cast the first stone..." (John 8:7) and i shall say it one more time, "let him/her who is without sex cast the first to judge..."

lastly,
gue nulis posting ini cuma iseng- iseng aja. semoga si mas bernama sama dengan putri duyung, mbak model iklan sabun, dan si mbak pembawa acara infotainment ini bisa melewati ini semua karena semua orang khilaf, semua orang juga bisa se-iseng ariel rekam- rekam, tapi sayangnya mereka aja yang sial.

MoZella - Hurry Up & Choose

We keep playing this game
where you catch my eye
and i look away
things don't seem to change
so i just fantasize
and make you mine
i could pass the time
but i don't have the mind
to let it go
and never know
so please just save me

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

sure they're other guys
and they treat me fine
but that's just not my style
if things were good at home
you wouldn't come to me
with those loving eyes
i could put in the time
to try and make you mine
but until you know what way to go
then i'll be waiting

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

i pretend that things are fine
you just never leave my mind
i don't know what's wrong with me
i guess i just want to believe
that i mean more to you
and that you mean what you say
and that we will be together one day

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

i don't want to tear you two apart
(but i'm gonna, if i hafta)
and i don't want to trample on her heart
(she's a good girl and she loves ya)
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

MoZella - Let's Stop Calling It Love

this song's pretty much picture my current condition...

we are exactly what we are
let's disregard the talk of we're at and where we're going
Why pick it all apart
Its Just My heart
its just my heart

i started out with so much hope
but now its turned into a joke
I'll play along expect no promise
but while were at it let's be honest

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
You're better off if i surrender
i give in you win whatever

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
Let it go you'll feel much better
i give in you win whatever

you know, you put on quite a show
you had me so
i can't believe i bought it
it took a minute but i caught it now
i guess i had a choice
boys will be boys, and this girl's annoyed

i started out with so much hope
but now its turned into a joke
I'll play along expect no promise
but while were at it let's be honest

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
You're better off if i surrender
i give in you win whatever

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
Let it go you'll feel much better
i give in you win whatever

I thought i could handle
a nice romantic scandal
but now i know i was fooling myself
i've seen how this story ends
we do not call ourselfs friends
i'd rather not pretend and use that word again

"talking"
(so he says, 'uh can i call you back later' so i said uh ok, 'alright later' and that was it)

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
You're better off if i surrender
i give in you win whatever

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
Let it go you'll feel much better
i give in you win you win you win

(making noises)

lets stop calling it love
lets stop calling it love
i give in you win whatever

my wish - list

hey June, WELCOME! don't be such a bitch okay?

besok udah 1 Juni, 28 hari sebelum gue secara resmi berhenti jadi teenager.

28 hari sebelum gue umur 20 tahun dan menjadi tua.

OH SHIT!

*mendadak panik*

ngebayangin sebentar lagi (28 hari lagi) gue akan berhanti jadi remaja bikin gue agak panik. okay, bukan agak panik, tapi sangat panik.

dan bagi seseorang yang sangat ngga suka ulang taon, GUE SEMAKIN NGGA SUKA ULANG TAON GUE TAON INIII!!!

*stres*

well, gue ngga mau ulang taun tapi mau kado nya aja boleh ngga sih?!

and here's my wish-list for this year :

1. nail polish
(all color available)

2. iPod dengan memory besar
(baca : 16 GB or more) (and, ehm.... iTouch also would be nice :) )

3. new blackberry

4. semua handsketches gue dibikin jadi kaos
5. Sony PRS-505 e-Book reader

6. DVD full season Ally McBeal

7. voucher belanja buku sampe mencret

8. MONEY $_$
(dikasih modah untuk memulai bisnis...)

9. A HUGE LUCK

10. A VERY HAPPY YUPPY BIRTHDAY!!

tricky happiness

Y' know, it is funny how sometimes life can play it tricks to us.
How life made happiness become so tricky.
It made us believe at first, made us believed that happiness was something that possible, something that can be achieved. Yeah, life made us believed that happiness was existing, that we will be able to actually be happy eventually.
But here comes the tricky part, life will always stands in our way to be happy. Life would always give us burden.
Well, like everyone said, life's sucks. And I think "suck" was the only most polite way to describe life, cos life is hard, it's brutally vindictive, it's bitchin' the hell out of every single one of us.
Well, life and happiness is never come in the same term. It's almost like happiness in life is impossible.
And for someone who's been disappoints in life few too many times than what they can handle, life ain't just screwing them, life actually broke them.
And somewhere along the way, we stop believe that happiness is possible. We stop believe that happiness is exist.
And it just made us so much broke inside. We didn't believe anything anymore. Faith, hopes, happiness seems so far away, it become something that we can only dream. A dream that dreamers can only be dreamt.
And finally, we stopped trying to be happy.
We stopped trying to found happiness.
We gave up defining happiness.
We gave up being happy.
Because happiness became frightening so we're running scared when we're about to feel a little bit happiness.
And it's simply because we afraid to feel disappoint anymore. We afraid to be vulnerable anymore when we let our self believe that happiness is possible but in the same time, life bitch us out and make us realize that happiness is not exist just in time we start believe again.

So yeah, it is funny how life can be so tricky. It tricked us to believe before actually drop the bomb to screw us..
Few nights ago, I said to my friend that I thought that I was never going to be happy. And I'm afraid so I was true cos in this moment, happiness seem ain't real for me. And I don't know whether I had courage left to try found happiness anymore.
I just gave up being happy...

Well...well... So much for come back posting from a very long time, eh??
So sorry guys for the absence... :)

handsketches #6

another hand-sketches i made...
few of them from my high-school time, i just re-coloured them..