we could only be what people want to see us as...

you know the saying about "you could be whatever you wanted to be" or "do whatever you wanted to do because life is too short to fill with regrets" ?
i'd say those are the biggest lie one could ever tell because no you can't.
you can not be whatever you wanted to be or do whatever you wanted to do because society won't let you, because your bitch of a mom wouldn't let you and because life is such a pain in the ass it won't let you be whatever you wanted to be or do whatever you wanted to do.

those sayings are just lies that been told from generation to generation, spreading like a disease. a fairy tales that we told our kids or our friends so they dare to dream about something before it shattered when they realize no, they cant be whatever they wanted to be or do whatever they wanted to do.

stop telling me i can be whatever i want because i can't, neither are you. so we need to wake up and face the reality that at the end of the day it's what people saw is what we really become. it's not about what i want or what you want, but what people want to see us as...

if they desire to see us as a jerk than we are a jerk, if they want to see us as a bitch than we are a bitch. we could only be what people want to see us as...

hoping for a moment of clarity

People hope for a happiness, for shiny beautiful life.
People expect greatness comes to life.
People want a second chance, an experience.
People hope and expect and want and pray for a lot of things.
But me? I hope for a moment.
One single moment that so significant it will change my life. People hope for romance of life. People praying so God have romance with them. People hope for anything. But I don’t. I hope for a moment.

You know those movies? Where a single moment can define everything, can give a clarity, can change everything? Like ‘the saturday detention’ in ‘the breakfast club’ where 5 ultimately different people required to sat together and there’s a moment when they’re talking that change them. No one saying it, but everything’s change. Or a simple train ride can give jesse’s and celine’s life so much meaning in ‘before sunrise’. A moment. Just a moment. That’s what I’m hoping for.

I said before that I am a hopeful person. Not a positive one or an optimist one, but hopeful. So when other people hope for love and happiness and romance and life, I hope for a moment. A moment that I could point out and said “that’s the moment when everything’s change”.
Well, I’m not being hypocrite, or full of shit, I do hope the moment bring something good. I do hope the moment bring clarity. I’m hoping for a defining moment that makes all the cloud disappeared, and make everything’s make a more sense.

So yeah. I’m not longing for any sort kind of romance in life, I’m just hopeful for a moment that can bring me some clarity.

friends appreciation post

i feel like in need to be grateful because i got the best friend one could ever gotten.

i may not have an army of friends, but the friends i have are the best friends one could ever have.

i may not met a new friends every single day, but the friends i met are the best friends one could ever met.

i may have been left by some people I considered friends, but the friends that stayed are the best friends one could ever asked.

there are two types of girl. the simple girl who seem to had everything worked out, whose life seem flawless and perfect and nice and easy. and the other one, is the "me" girl. the one who twisted and complicated, and need a lot of works and got caught up in some messy life-tortured scheme. yeah, everyone who read this will instantly saw themselves as the "me" girl while we saw other girl as the simple girl.

that's natural. we always see ourselves as the massive mess, as the wrong one, as the broken one. i don't know why, but maybe it's easier that way. it's easier to think that we are a mess, that we are emotionally broken, it may caused by a little bit envy, and a lot of questioning "why the hell they life seem completely worked out while mine completely messed up?!" or maybe, so we have all the right excuse to be messed up, to be sloppy, to be disappointed and be the disappointment.

as i sat in my bedroom, with my bugs bunny face mug filled with a hot tea, what i saw is that messed-up, broken-inside girl with a twisted and complicated life typing and try to make sense about everything. do i look at my self that way so i have all the excuse when life is getting hard? so i could just said, "hey, that's my life... i'm the messy girl with a messy life" and people would understood my limitation? or maybe i just don't want to face the reality that maybe... i, was the disappointment, because by being the victim it gave us the place where we are the one who's always been disappointed by others.

or maybe... just maybe, i just tryin' to found some inspiration among those pain and misery, because like people said, pain is inspiring. but no matter why, in the end this is how i protect my self, by see my self broken so no one could break me anymore, by see my self as a basket case, a mess, so no one could mess me even more.

so which one are you?

i hope being hopeful will get me somewhere somehow

i may look as a pessimist, the half-empty glass kind of girl. the kind of person who always look in the bad side and didn't believe of the good ones.
well, maybe i am. but i'm also hopeful.
i don't believe much. as a girl who grown up with happily-ever-after-fairy-tale-stories, i don't really believe in happily ever after. i believed once, but not anymore. i also don't have a big, strong, unbreakable faith that could pull me out of the darkness. i don't have anything absolute to hold on to. i'm basically the life-proof of what people may called 'a mess', but i'm hopeful.
i'm not a happy person, or an optimist kind of girl.
i'm not a positive person, i even think that being positive is way too overrated. but i am a hopeful person, the kind of person who always get a little bit of hope running in her heart, someone who always had a dream of something better will happen.
i am a mess. and i sort of afraid of being happy. and i'm not ok, and actually i don't know when i will be ok again. but i'm hopeful. and i hope being hopeful will get me somewhere somehow.

after three month

after three months of hiatus or uninspired and lazy days to be precise, i promised my self i need to start writing again within this week, so here i am, trying to write something out of nothing.

i used to have so much to write regarding all the dark and twisty feelings i had, but now, i don't know... i just found myself uninspired. maybe it's right what people said, that pain is inspiring. some of the great story come from sorrow and pain is what makes music industry succeed, i mean, come on, no one writes a song about the easy one.

and then, i realized something. something that i let slipped my mind. something unthinkable simply because i never let myself thought it because i never thought i will ever be.

i realized the fact that i'm no longer trapped in my sadness. i'm no longer wrapped in my imaginary unformed pain that i used to have. i'm no longer that person. maybe it's because i finally set myself free from a certain jackass who not once, not twice, but few too many times broke my heart, or maybe it's just my sane-mind talking while it still sane, or maybe it's the age, well i don't know for sure. what i know is i'm change. and this come as a little shocker for me because i don't believe that people can change. they adapted, but they still the same inside. well, or maybe i am just adapting. adapting to i don't quite know what.

my friend said that maybe i grew up, i get more mature. it comes with the age, he said. maybe. maybe i just outgrew the pain, the darkness. or maybe, just maybe.. maybe i finally let myself to be not sad. i was so afraid of the idea of happiness. the idea of not sad and not feeling the pain because the idea of the happiness falling apart was way worse than anything that i can handle, so i sabotage my own happiness. i let my self thought that i can't be happy, that i will always be sad and miserable and the pain will never be heal. but now, maybe my friend was right. i become more mature. i'm wiser. i see things better and clearly and i just let things the way it supposed to be. i feel sad when i feel sad. i feel miserable when i fell miserable. and i will felt happy when i feel happy.