you are the one who should define who you really are. not them.

we go round and round, here and there try to make sense out of our existence.

we try to define ourselves. who we really are. is it just some kind a mask that we’ve been always putting on? or is that the real face?

but then we get lonely trying to figure out everything on our own. so we go here and there, make people define who we are. and we started hate being alone, doing things on our own. then we just let people told us who we are and who we supposed to be and how we supposed to be. then we let other people define who we really are.

we let who’s our friends define who we really are. we let who’s we dated define who we really are. we let who’s designer clothes that we wore define who we really are. we let people define who really are because we’re either too lazy to try defining who we really are by ourselves or we’re just too afraid to define who we really are by ourselves.

so we do what people told us to do. we try to exceeds what society expect us to be. we go round and round do what people think we should do.

but in the end, it’s not up to them who you are or who you want to become, because no matter what people said about you, you are alone in this one, you are the one who should define who you really are. not them.

life is indeed a fairy-tale

from just a little kid, we’ve been taught to believe the “live happily ever after” myth. all books we read, all movies we watched, all the stories that been told tell us about how a person live happily ever after at the very end of the story. And for generation that been raised by dream-sold-out movies like Cinderella, Peter Pan, Aladdin, and so on , so on, we grew up by thinking that life is indeed a fairy tale that everyone will live happily ever after and that dreams do come true like they all said.

then we grew up. with a hopes that our live is also a fairy-tale like the stories said. that we are the princess who gets the prince charming. that we are the person who get what we want in the end of the story. but then life came along. eating all the hopes we have little by little. we start questioning whether fairy-tale life that we used to heard and dreamed about really are true or it’s just a bullshit notion some crazy-romantic-prick created to sell their story. in the mean time, when life seem always get in your way, tricked you, and played you, and gave you every reason not to believe whatever you used to believed, a little piece of you are still the same kid who used to heard all the happy-ending stories, you are still the kid who keep hoping the best of life would come and you can joined all those happy face you remembered from every happy-ending movies you ever watched, you are still the kid who wants to believe even it seem nearly impossible to do.

i am that kid. i started to questioned everything. every beliefs that i ever had. then life keeps getting on my way and it seems easier just to be a non-believer. it’s easier when you’re stop believing that love, happiness are exist cos when you didn’t get one you didn’t end up disappointed cos you think those things are not exist. it’s easier when you don’t believe that all the dreams, and hopes, and prayers will coming true because you won’t feel any disappointment when your hopes, dreams, and prayer didn’t come true. but i still that kid. inside all those non-believe crap i put, i still the same kid who grew up by watching Snow White, Cinderella, Red Riding Hood, Sleeping Beauty. i still the same kid who believe that dreams do come true and life is a fairy tale.

i’m twenty years old. and i spent half of it spoil my self watching and reading and listened all those happy-ending, fairy-tale-life stories. and the other half of it hoping that my life someday will be like those happy-ending, fairy-tale-life stories without realizing that maybe my life is already a fairy-tale, the only problem is even in the fairy tale not everyone can have happy-ending story, live happily ever after. and not everyone can be the princess or the prince for that matter or the lead character if i may say. there’s always two Cinderella’s ugly step sisters, or evil queen who died, and not to forget ugly duckling still ugly until the end of the story comparing to all the swans. so yeah. life is pretty much a fairy tale, just i’m not that lucky to be the main character who get her happy-ending life. or maybe not yet.

not everyone live happily ever after

Dari kecil kita diajarkan untuk percaya hidup bahagia selamanya.
Live happily ever after.
Itu juga yang membuat semua buku dongeng anak- anak, semua film kartun mengajarkan bahwa seberat apapun hidup, suatu saat nanti kita semua akan hidup bahagia, semua mimpi- mimpi kita akan jadi kenyataan. Seperti Walt Disney ajarkan ke kita semua “dreams do come true…”.

Sebagai generasi yang besar dengan asuhan film- film Disney seperti Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, dan banyak film- film berakhir bahagia lain nya, kita tumbuh sambil terus percaya bahwa semua impian kita akan jadi kenyataan dan kita akan hidup bahagia.

Tapi ternyata hidup nampaknya selalu punya cara untuk menghalangi kita hidup bahagia, dan selalu punya cara untuk kita berhenti percaya bahwa impian- impian kita bisa jadi kenyataan.

Dalam dua puluh tahun gue hidup, setengahnya dihabiskan untuk menonton film- film manja yang membuat gue begitu manja nya percaya kalau suatu saat nanti semua akan hidup bahagia, dan semua impian akan jadi kenyataan, dan setengahnya lagi gue habiskan seolah untuk membuktikan bahwa hidup ini mungkin sama dengan dongeng- dongeng itu.
Tapi ternyata gue melewatkan satu point penting, bahwa tidak semua tokoh dalam dongeng nya hidup bahagia.

"Mouth: Take a look at yourself in a mirror who do you see looking back?
Haley: Is it the person you want to be?
Dan: Or is there someone else you were meant to be the person you were meant to be but fell short of?
Mia: Is someone telling you you can’t or won’t? Because you can.
Chase: Believe that love is out there.
Nathan: Believe that dreams come true every day.  Because they do.
Peyton: Sometimes happiness doesn’t come from money or fame or power.  Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and the quiet nobility of leading a good life.
Julian: Believe that dreams come true every day.  Because they do.
Brooke: Believe that dreams come true every day.  Because they do.
Peyton: So take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy because you deserve to be.  Believe that.
Lucas: And believe that dreams come true every day.  Because they do." - One Tree Hill season 06 episode 24.

I really do want to believe that dreams, hopes, and prayers do come true every day, or some day for that matter.
I do.
But I don't know why, life seem always gave me reasons not to believe.

how tv series save my life

you know why i love tv series and Disney cartoon so much?
call me a dork by saying this, but i think those tv series and those disney’s movies i love so much kinda’ save my life.
you know why i love series like ugly betty, one tree hill, being erica and movies like cinderella, up, and all those cartoons?
it’s all because those series and those cartoons are about dreams..
they talk about dreams, about don't let yourself be too afraid to dreaming.
they talk about dream big and try to make it happen and it did happen there.
they talk about how to pursue your happiness. how to achieve the dream you had.
they talk about it’s okay to have dreams, it’s okay to have hopes, it’s okay to actually believes that good things did happens.
and for someone who’s afraid to dreaming, who’s afraid to hoping, who’s afraid to be happy, watching those series and those cartoons just make me want to believe again.
it all gave me hopes.
it all make me want to believe that there’s something great out there, that there’s still faith left to hold on to, that it’s okay to believe that good things aren’t just a myth.
i know it sound so damn geek…
but i really- really wanted to believe again that there is still greatness left out there. and good things does happens…
yeah i did realize that these might sound so freakin' dorky and weird and come of as a really- really unhealthy behaviour, but hey everyone needs a reminder to keep believing in good things when they stop believing, right?

my own leading role

if i said i don't like my life, it might sound too harsh on my self, and not hundred percent true because, first, in some way my life not seem too bad, and second, i don't think i really do have some 'life'.

... yeah... it does sound pretty sad.

you know how in every movie there's always this person who always be the friend? the supporting character role? the not-so-significant-character-who-yet-needed-to-complete-the-picture?

well, that's me...

i'm the friend. the best friend. the supporting character. or whatever that is, who stand on the sideway.

but even some not-so-significant-character-who-yet-needed-to-complete-the-picture wants to get her own show once in a while.

even if i am no main character material, i do want to be some story heroine. the main character, the leading role.

but hell, who am i kidding?

i know for sure i am no main character material.

i don't have the look, i don't have the body, i don't have the image, i don't have the juice, i don't even have any story for that matter, because right now, i am twenty bloody years old, and i'm practically never done anything in my life. never done anything concrete in my life.

then again, even the ugly duckling wants to be to be the swan, the cinderella's step sisters want to fill in cinderella's shoes, I too always wants to be the lead character of one story because it is tiring always be the supporting character (cos we always support the main character, of course). I want to be me. I want people to see me as me. I want to live my life as me. Because i'm tired of being someone's friend, someone's sibling, someone's kid, someone's best friend. i'm tired of being that girl from the next class, or the person who people can actually turn to when things got ugly or they wants to brag something, or just being "some girl".

i want to have life. an exciting life.

i want to have an adventure. fall in love in big city. going abroad. having a job that i love.

i want to go places. being fearless. and actually had a ball to do anything.

i want to living my own life, not just completing other people's life.

happy awesome day!

i used to said "someday i'll found my happiness..." or "one day i'll stopped being sad..." or " someday... someday i will finally feel fine again..." to feel a little positive.
i used to said "one day waking up is not hard anymore".
but i never knew that "someday" is today.
actually it was yesterday since today is already 29th and no longer 28th cos it's already 12.21 ...

first of all, happy birthday to me.


and for some one who dislike birthday so much, this year kinda' different cos i actually feel okay with my birthday.
usually i feel anxious when it comes to my birthday. well, i do freaking out little bit about the big two-o, but beside that i feel fine... maybe being twenty is not that bad after all...
and this year, finally, for the first time after 8 years i didn't shed a tears, not even a single tear. Big thing!!
and on top of that i woke up without the pains that usually there.
maybe i outgrew all my problems. maybe the pains just finally healed. or maybe, maybe i just don't give a damn rat's ass about it anymore.

how can i put this?
this birthday just perfect.
great family, fabulous friends, perfect presents and bunch of awesome birthday greetings. and the most important thing was i don't have any reason to feel sad.
after too much years being sad and feel miserable, i think i deserve to feel fine... :)

and i think, i have everyone to thank to...
my family, REJECTS, SG, my perfect stranger, agus, and everyone...
now, let's hope this fine feeling will be nice beginning to one nice life.
see? i even sound positive... *well, i think this one is not because my birthday, but either lack of sleep or too depressed because all the final assignments...*
i think sheila was right... i need to sleep...
so catch you friends, followers, readers, and stalkers later...
happy awesome day guys!!

"When i was sad, i just stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. true story. " - Barney Stinson
How I Met Your Mother

my class is awesome!

this two days was tiring but also so much fun!
jadi alkisah kelas photography gue mau ngadain kelas soal photo studio jadi disusun lah rencana photoshoot yang pada awalnya mau diadain hari selasa kemaren di studio kampus gue. tapi ternyata ngga jadi dan dipindah hari jadi hari sabtu di studio dosen gue di Tebet. ntah gimana ceritanya, rencana itu pun kembali batal dan diputuskanlah hari sabtu ini di smokar (smoking area) kampus gue.
seru nya, dari model, make-up, sampe konsep itu kita yang bikin. dan karena di kampus, kita harus sedia-in backdrop.
awalnya gue sama sekali ngga tertarik masuk tim inti garagara males. tapi jum'at kemaren waktu denger disuruh bikin backdrop dan diminta bantuan, gue pun menawarkan diri buat bantuin si Amang yang ngurusin backdrop (iya gue tau,gue ganjen banget sok nawarin diri)...
dan ternyata keputusan gue kurang tepat karena akhirnya ke-kepo-an gue mau bantu- bantu ini mengantarkan gue pada ngemper-ngemper di pinggir parkiran kampus sama anak- anak kelas gue ngamplas tripleks sampe tangan panas, kelelahan luar biasa setelah seharian hiperaktif karena kekurangan glukosa, naik motor keliling benhil bareng Amang yang bawa motor udah kayak pembalap demi nyari pylox dan cat, tangan celemotan cat, dan rasa sakit hati yang teramat dalam melihat backdrop awal yang gatot marotot (yang untungnya diselamatkan oleh sang bomber pondok indah yang bagaikan pahlawan berkuda putih, si AE) serta pulang macetmacetan soresore naik trans bsd.

mari gue kisahkan dari awal.
Jum'at, 18 Juni 2010.
dengan males gue make-up class org.comm dan psikologi. pas break, erwina ngasi pengumuman kalo tim inti photography mau minta tolong buat dibantuin nyiapin photo shoot buat hari sabtu. dan karena gue tau harus buat backdrop maka gue pun nawarin diri buat nge-bantuin.
selesai kelas jam 12, gue, vicka, uti, tasya, stacia, sama filda ke kantin dengan tujuan nyari makanan manis gara-gara gue udah super kurang waras karena kekurangan glukosa yang mengakibatkan gue suka 'melejit' tiba-tiba dengan gaya jogetnya mas-mas batavia dance. 'melejit' atau yang harus ditulis 'MELEJJJHHHIIIIEEEETTT' disini berarti tiba-tiba dan tanpa aba-aba berdiri, melebarkan tangan, dan berekspresi bagai mas-mas batavia dancer. ngobrol-ngobrol, ketawa-ketawa sampe merencanakan pencurian iPad dari anak batch 13, akhirnya amang sama bimo yang bertugas beli triplex, kayu, cat dan pylox dateng jam setengah 2-an. dan kita pun mulai kerja ngedasar-in tripleks pake cat putih dan di amplas. sekitar jam 3-an setelah triplex selesai dipasang kayu penyangga dan dikasih cat dasar, permasalahan utama muncul, "mau di gambarin apa tu tripleks?"
gue, uti, vicka, amang dan yang lain mulai lah mikirin konsep ide yang ternyata bikin kita butuh banget warna- warna gonjreng mentereng yang akhirnya menyebabkan gue harus ikut pergi sama amang nyari cat padahal gue harus rapat Mr. and Ms. LSPR. tapi setelah ijin, gue akhirnya pergi (baca : keliling benhil naik motor bareng amang yang bawa motor kayak anak balap) buat nyari pylox.
sampe di kampus, gue langsung cabut buat rapat, pas gue balik ke smokar, itu backdrop isinya cuma gambar- gambar abstrak acak adut ntah apaan yang ngga ada konsepnya sama sekali. gue pun lemes seketika.
di tengah ke-depresi-an gue sama amang memutuskan buat berenti bikin dulu dan berencana kembali mutihin semua nya dari awal. akhirnya kita pun minta gamas buat beli-in cat putih sama thiner.
pas saat itu muncul sang penolong, AE, yang kebetulan temen anak kelas gue yang rencana jadi model. AE ini bomber dan kita pun minta tolong dia. melihat keadaan backdrop kelas gue yang sangat amburadul dia pun cuma bisa suruh kita beli cat putih buat diputihin ulang. pas ini gue udah harus pulang...

sabtu, 19 Juni 2010
Jam 10 pagi gue udah di kampus, dan akhirnya ngobrol- ngobrol dan gegosipan dulu sama anak- anak yang udah sampe karena masih belom tau harus mulai kerjain backdrop yang kedua darimana.
backdrop yang kedua lebih simple, kita cuma mau lapisin tripleks nya pake koran item putih.
tapi ya tetep aja ya bokkkk.. itu tripleks segede gitu sih berasa juga ngerjain nya.
sekitar jam 11 an, gue pun mulai waras dan mulai ngajakin amang ngerjain backdrop.
dari awalnya kerja cuma berdua sama amang, terus sama dessen, sampe rame-rame, sampe tiba-tiba gue sendirian, sampe rame lagi, sampe sepi, sampe rame lagi, akhirnya kelar juga tuh backdrop.











padahal sih simple banget cuma nempelin koran di tripleks, tapi ternyata sekitar jam 2-an lewat baru bener-bener selesai setelah 2 kali nge-jeblak ketiup angin yang bikin gue lumayan miris, makan bakso, dan gue hampir nge-jeledak dari atas drum gara- gara naik buat ngebenerin bagian atas backdrop.
dan saya sungguh terimakasih pada dessen, amang, gerry, leo, tasya, filda, marcia, uti, dan ntah siapa lagi yang sudah sangat membatu penempelan si koran.











jam 3 lewat photo shoot nya mulai. ah gue sih cuma nyampah- nyampah doang.
keburu cape setelah naek- naek, jongkok-jongkok bikin backdrop. but it was fun!
jadi yasudahlah, saya agak rela sedikit hari sabtu ini masuk...
dan mungkin semua juga gara-gara anak-anak kelas gue yang emang ajaib dan gendeng semua isinya sampe semua bisa dijadiin becandaan dan ngapain aja jadi seru- seru aja...
so i think,
Advertising 12-1B is kinda' AWESOME *barney stinson tone*...

oya, i will post more picture later as soon as i can...

mas putri duyung-model iklan sabun-dan presenter gosip

seperti biasa, gue terlalu gatel untuk ngga ikutan ngomongin kasus si abang penyanyi terkenal kita yang baru-baru ini obsesi bintang bokep.
mungkin udah basi banget kali ya? tapi sungguh gue terlalu sibuk belakangan ini untuk buka blog *ini beneran, gue ngga bohong. sungguh*.

oke, bagi yang belom tau ceritanya (ih demi apapun juga ya lo ga gaul abis kalo ngga tau), ceritanya itu si akang yang bernama sama seperti putri duyung dan seorang vokalis band yang namanya sama kayak judul film disney (meski gue merasa band mereka lebih cocok bernama little mermaid since nama vokalisnya si putri duyung berambut merah itu) ini nampaknya obsesi banget jadi bintang bokep makanya dia seolah suka banget rekam- rekam dirinya yang sedang having sex. celaka oh celaka, petaka tak dapat ter elakan, laptop si akang yang nyimpen porofolio dunia per-artis-an bokep nya ini hilang, alhasil beberapa hari yang lalu dunia per-internet-an di hebohkan dengan munculnya video si akang ini lagi having sex sama pacarnya yang juga artis si mbakmbak yang jadi model iklan sabun itu. sungguh sangat menghebohkan meski isi video nya ngga seheboh orang- orang yang nonton karena kualitas gambarnya ya tuhan, jelek bener...

gue yang bangun-bangun baca twitter sempet ngga paham ada apaan dengan si masmas bernama bagai putriduyung ini dengan pacarnya si mbakmbak bintang iklan sabun.. eh baca dibaca, usut di usut ternyata terlah beredar video porno dengan mereka sebagai bintang nya. dengan sangat penasaran, sampe di kampus teryata temen-temen sekelas gue udah asik dan heboh nonton rame- rame *iya, kalian ngga salah baca, temen-temen gue 1 KELAS semuanya ikutan nonton udah kayak nonton layar tancep*.
dan komentar pertama gue setelah nonton video itu adalah : "well, at least you can fully shave your lady business before you recorded your sexual activity darling..."
no, seriously it is kinda disturbing.

eh belom reda nih berita heboh, tibatiba muncul lagi another video tapi kali ini cewenya udah bukan si mbakmbak model iklan sabun, tapi mbakmbak si pembawa acara gosip. setelah nonton, cuma 1 hal yang ada di kepala gue, "bless his pen*s for having so much vajayjay"
no, seriously, dari gossip yang beredar, video yang ada sebenernya total berjumlah 23 (ada juga yang bilang 32) yang artinya that lucky pen*s had have few too many vajayjay...

dan seperti yang sudah bisa diduga, semua orang (when i said semua orang, i mean SEMUA ORANG) sibuk ngomongin soal ini, dan alhasil kalimat 'ariel peterporn' pun jadi trending topic di twitter yang sebenernya sangat disayangkan kenapa malah gosip gapenting yang cuma jelekjelekin nama orang yang jadi trending topic dan bukannya #tolakdanaaspirasi yang jelas-jelas esensial yang jadi trending topic. but hell, who am i to judge all those people who busy gossiping about ariel since i do to because it is hard not to talk about this crazy event and it's even harder not to have comment about it...

but again, kalo menurut gue pribadi sih ya, it's not about the sex. ini bukan masalah si abang bernama bagai putri duyung menjajal shotgun nya kemana-mana, cos he can have sex with whoever he want even miss teen usa for all i care, so it's not about the sex, nor the partner switching or the fact he surely banged a LOT of hot chicks, ini bukan masalah sex nya. No, because what the hell, everyone have had sex or will have sex eventually, right? so what's the biggie about sex? So, no... it is not about the sex, tapi ini masalah YA TUHAN, ISENG BANGET SIH PAKE DIREKAM?
no, seriously, do you REALLY-REALLY need to tape it down everytime you shagged someone?
beneran deh, menurut gue dia ini iseng banget ngerekam- rekam dan moral cerita yang gue dapat setelah menonton video dia yang sama si mbak-mbak model iklan sabun adalah : si mas ini sungguh multi-tasking. kenapa gitu? karena meski lagi "sibuk" dia tetep konsen megangin kamera dan ngambil angle-angle mantap demi kejelasan adegan... sungguh luar biasa...

lalu, ditengah kericuhan dan kehebohan ini, muncul lah seorang dumbass yang ngakunya pengacara tapi lebih mirip tukang potong daging yang dengan gaul nya berkomentar kalau si abang dan si eneng yang ada di video ini harus ditindak pidana. dan bener aja lohhhh, kepolisian nampaknya menanggapi dan berniat menindak pidana si mas dan si mbak yang nasipnya sebenernya udah kasian banget ini.
buset deh, ini si pengacara slash tukang daging ini otaknya ngga pernah pulang kali ya? kemana-mana juga si abang putri duyung ini lah yang mustinya nuntut orang yang nyebarin, dan bukannya dituntut.
dan gue cuma mau bilang sama si pengacara tukang daging ini, "hey you f*rh*t, YOU CAN FUCK YOURSELF and stop mind other people business or you'll end up pathetically like roy sukro!" seriously, ngesok ngurusin orang bikin video untuk kepentingan pribadi padahal sendirinya sibuk kawin siri ke kanan ke kiri! do i have to buy you a mirror, you one hypocrite? and for all infotainment, just stop your ridiculous narration! that's just simply annoying, apalagi kalo yang bawain acara nya sok-sok misterius kayak lagi bawain acara dunia lain. mungkin mereka lebih cocok bawain acara infotainment alam maut... kenapa annoying? karena satu, gue nonton infotainment ngga mau ditakut-takutin sama muka presenternya yang belo bagai nahan boker sebulan atau dengan kalimat "akankah mereka dapat melewati semua ini?" yang nada nya sama kayak "akankah mereka lolos dari kandang singa ini?"
berasa paling bener dan membuat narasi- narasi menjebak while kita semua tau, infotainment are the worst!

dan please buat orang- orang diluar sana yang mendadak sok beragama dan sok bermoral sampe demo segala minta 3 orang terkait ini ditindak pidana, fuck you!
no, seriously... you guys act like you have no sin. sibuk demo ngurusin orang bikin sex tape sampe demo segala kayak orang kampung, berasa kayak ngga pernah nonton bokep aja lo semua!
and if, 3 orang ini atau siapapun yang punya kasus serupa bener- bener ditindak pidana, i should say that Indonesia is a freakin ridiculous! indonesia just hit it's bottom line! it is the new low and the new crazy memenjarakan orang karena having sex. dude, come on!
daripada sibuk ngurusin ini, mending lu urusin tuh pelecehan seksual di busway, atau pemerkosaan, atau apalah yang jelas lebih esensial ketimbang 2 (atau dikasus ini 3) orang yang sama-sama mau having sex.
well, God once said, "let him who is without sin cast the first stone..." (John 8:7) and i shall say it one more time, "let him/her who is without sex cast the first to judge..."

lastly,
gue nulis posting ini cuma iseng- iseng aja. semoga si mas bernama sama dengan putri duyung, mbak model iklan sabun, dan si mbak pembawa acara infotainment ini bisa melewati ini semua karena semua orang khilaf, semua orang juga bisa se-iseng ariel rekam- rekam, tapi sayangnya mereka aja yang sial.

MoZella - Hurry Up & Choose

We keep playing this game
where you catch my eye
and i look away
things don't seem to change
so i just fantasize
and make you mine
i could pass the time
but i don't have the mind
to let it go
and never know
so please just save me

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

sure they're other guys
and they treat me fine
but that's just not my style
if things were good at home
you wouldn't come to me
with those loving eyes
i could put in the time
to try and make you mine
but until you know what way to go
then i'll be waiting

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

i pretend that things are fine
you just never leave my mind
i don't know what's wrong with me
i guess i just want to believe
that i mean more to you
and that you mean what you say
and that we will be together one day

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

i don't want to tear you two apart
(but i'm gonna, if i hafta)
and i don't want to trample on her heart
(she's a good girl and she loves ya)
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

MoZella - Let's Stop Calling It Love

this song's pretty much picture my current condition...

we are exactly what we are
let's disregard the talk of we're at and where we're going
Why pick it all apart
Its Just My heart
its just my heart

i started out with so much hope
but now its turned into a joke
I'll play along expect no promise
but while were at it let's be honest

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
You're better off if i surrender
i give in you win whatever

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
Let it go you'll feel much better
i give in you win whatever

you know, you put on quite a show
you had me so
i can't believe i bought it
it took a minute but i caught it now
i guess i had a choice
boys will be boys, and this girl's annoyed

i started out with so much hope
but now its turned into a joke
I'll play along expect no promise
but while were at it let's be honest

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
You're better off if i surrender
i give in you win whatever

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
Let it go you'll feel much better
i give in you win whatever

I thought i could handle
a nice romantic scandal
but now i know i was fooling myself
i've seen how this story ends
we do not call ourselfs friends
i'd rather not pretend and use that word again

"talking"
(so he says, 'uh can i call you back later' so i said uh ok, 'alright later' and that was it)

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
You're better off if i surrender
i give in you win whatever

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
Let it go you'll feel much better
i give in you win you win you win

(making noises)

lets stop calling it love
lets stop calling it love
i give in you win whatever

my wish - list

hey June, WELCOME! don't be such a bitch okay?

besok udah 1 Juni, 28 hari sebelum gue secara resmi berhenti jadi teenager.

28 hari sebelum gue umur 20 tahun dan menjadi tua.

OH SHIT!

*mendadak panik*

ngebayangin sebentar lagi (28 hari lagi) gue akan berhanti jadi remaja bikin gue agak panik. okay, bukan agak panik, tapi sangat panik.

dan bagi seseorang yang sangat ngga suka ulang taon, GUE SEMAKIN NGGA SUKA ULANG TAON GUE TAON INIII!!!

*stres*

well, gue ngga mau ulang taun tapi mau kado nya aja boleh ngga sih?!

and here's my wish-list for this year :

1. nail polish
(all color available)

2. iPod dengan memory besar
(baca : 16 GB or more) (and, ehm.... iTouch also would be nice :) )

3. new blackberry

4. semua handsketches gue dibikin jadi kaos
5. Sony PRS-505 e-Book reader

6. DVD full season Ally McBeal

7. voucher belanja buku sampe mencret

8. MONEY $_$
(dikasih modah untuk memulai bisnis...)

9. A HUGE LUCK

10. A VERY HAPPY YUPPY BIRTHDAY!!

tricky happiness

Y' know, it is funny how sometimes life can play it tricks to us.
How life made happiness become so tricky.
It made us believe at first, made us believed that happiness was something that possible, something that can be achieved. Yeah, life made us believed that happiness was existing, that we will be able to actually be happy eventually.
But here comes the tricky part, life will always stands in our way to be happy. Life would always give us burden.
Well, like everyone said, life's sucks. And I think "suck" was the only most polite way to describe life, cos life is hard, it's brutally vindictive, it's bitchin' the hell out of every single one of us.
Well, life and happiness is never come in the same term. It's almost like happiness in life is impossible.
And for someone who's been disappoints in life few too many times than what they can handle, life ain't just screwing them, life actually broke them.
And somewhere along the way, we stop believe that happiness is possible. We stop believe that happiness is exist.
And it just made us so much broke inside. We didn't believe anything anymore. Faith, hopes, happiness seems so far away, it become something that we can only dream. A dream that dreamers can only be dreamt.
And finally, we stopped trying to be happy.
We stopped trying to found happiness.
We gave up defining happiness.
We gave up being happy.
Because happiness became frightening so we're running scared when we're about to feel a little bit happiness.
And it's simply because we afraid to feel disappoint anymore. We afraid to be vulnerable anymore when we let our self believe that happiness is possible but in the same time, life bitch us out and make us realize that happiness is not exist just in time we start believe again.

So yeah, it is funny how life can be so tricky. It tricked us to believe before actually drop the bomb to screw us..
Few nights ago, I said to my friend that I thought that I was never going to be happy. And I'm afraid so I was true cos in this moment, happiness seem ain't real for me. And I don't know whether I had courage left to try found happiness anymore.
I just gave up being happy...

Well...well... So much for come back posting from a very long time, eh??
So sorry guys for the absence... :)

handsketches #6

another hand-sketches i made...
few of them from my high-school time, i just re-coloured them..

happy belated birthday

dear bloggie,
i'm so sorry for missing out your 2nd birthday...
seriously, so sorry deary...
but, it's better late than nothing at all right?
so, happy belated birthday my bloggie...
damn you're getting old pal!

who you are is who you want to be

it's almost a month since i wrote.
when i said "wrote", i mean "wrote". writing "something" that actually had meaning, at least for me.
first of all, allow me to apologizing for that absence, i can surely made up some lame-ass excuses like i was abducted by an alien or something, but I'M PRETTY SURE that all of you a little smarter not to believe what i'm saying because the truth is, ideas just hate me lately and yes i was busy especially last week with that Les Miserables thing, so once again i'm sorry.

there is no logical explanation why my mind goes blank everytime i saw a blank blogspot page, i just had nothing to wrote, nothing to tell, for someone who loves writing so much, i could just said that i'm pretty much screwed.
maybe the only reason is i'm being weird these couple months and i don't have a slight idea why am i so weird lately.
i was changed. i am change.
maybe this had to do with every single obstacle i found these few past years.
i adapted, and i changed. somewhere along the way, i became this person i don't know who.
i became this awful version of my self.
and the truth is, i'm scared cos i don't like who i become.
And on top of that, I feel lost.
I feel like losing my path, my way.
And this is not good..

These couple months I've been like walking zombie.
I woke up every morning with a huge annoying pain in my mind that keep telling me "everything is wrong". And I just can't run away. I can't heal it no matter what I try.
So I let my mind and my heart sleep it off so it won't remind me how screwed things were, and I became this heartless crazy zombie whose walking down tha exact same road every single bloody day and still feel lost everytime.
I feel lost.
I feel like I don't know where I supposed to head on, where am I supposed to lead my life to.
And everything seems not right anymore.
I start doubting about every single thing.
And the things that used to be important to me, it doesn't matter anymore. There is nothing matter anymore.

I've been lost for a months.
But then again, here's some funny things on life.
We always feel lost.
We always feel that we need to find the path even if we're already in the path.
People always feel lost, at least once in our life.
But the truth is, we're not lost. Not lost at all.. We're just need to be found, and to be touched, and to be reminded who we were and who we are.
Because who we are is never lost, we just forget who we really are.
Just like me.
I was forget who I was, who I am..
But today, I was being reminded by someone that who I am is who I want to be.

and somehow i feel everything would be just fine.

life may full of obstacle, may stand in our way.

but life doesn't stand a chance if you knew who you were, who you are.

because it's not about finding your self that had been lost,

but it's about re-invented yourself that may been forgotten...

so i think all we need in life is just a little reminder...

Les Miserables Behind The Scene

these past few days were about

bruises that won't be easily disappeared, pain that won't be easily healed, and memories that never be forgotten...

kayak taon lalu, taon ini lagi- lagi gue ikut LSPR Teatro. awalnya sih tetep jadi creative team, tapi karena si ibu rori meminta bantuan gue untuk jadi anak cabutan nya stage crew, maka nyasar lah gue di geng pegang tangan yang bener- bener ngga paham lagi lah gue kalimat apa yg tepat buat menggambarkan ke gila an mereka.

awalnya sih gue tetep creative team dan hanya menghasilkan ID card,


tiba- tiba hari senen, which is 3 hari sebelum hari pementasan gue di daulat buat menjadi stage crew.
YAK, sodara sodari ku sekalian, gue baru tau gue harus ngangkat apa ke mana di mana itu pas H-3 mari saya tegaskan lagi, H mines 3 sodara sodariku, yang mana gue sama sekali ngga pernah nonton latihan dan sama sekali ngga punya pengalaman MELIHAT DALAM GELAP!
sumpah, gue udah bener- bener ngga paham deh tuh pas run through pertama ngaco nya abis-abisan dan jelas aja gue berasa badan gue abis banget men padahal baru sehari, secara gue seumur- umur ga pernah banget angkat2 barang macem2.
pulang juga udah malem, 1 hari 2 kali run through, dari angkat krat kayu, kursi sampe yg aneh2...
latihan hari kedua yang adalah H-2, semakin mau mati karena yang diangkat ternyata SEMAKIN BANYAK! dan eng ing eng, SEMAKIN BERAT!
dan gue pun mendapatkan luka- luka pertama gue kayak kebaret, kejedot dan biru, sampe kesusupan kayu.

selama seminggu gue jadi kuli panggul, tukang angkat properti ato bahasa kerennya stage crew, yang gue dapet adalah kurang lebih 30 lebam,biru,memar,luka,baret,dan goresan di sekitar kaki dan tangan, ditambah badan yang sakit nya udah ngga paham lagi dah...
dan kalo ada yang nanya kenapa bisa sampe parah gtu, jawaban nya adalah KARENA YANG DIANGKAT BERAT NYA BIADAB apalagi pas H-1 kita nyobain backdrop sialan yang beratnya ngga masuk akal (yang untungnya ngga jadi dipake).
dan akan gue list beberapa kecelakaan fatal yang gue alami selama 7 hari :

• kesusupan kayu dari backdrop, meja cafe, dan krat kayu
• biru, bengkak plus luka di kaki kanan akibat ketololan gue yang kesandung di backstage dan sukses nabrak pemberat gate yang terbuat dari batu solid yang beratnya (sumpah gue ngga lebay) selalu bikin gue pengen berak pas ngangkat
• lebam dan biru di kaki kiri gara- gara pas blackout ketabrak ntah siapa yang membuat gue kesandung dan kejedot meja yang dilanjutkan dengan bibir gue kepentok krat kayu pas buru2 mau buka iketan curtain
• biru di paha yang sampe detik ini gue ga tau asalnya dari mana..
• kelingking kanan yang bengkak gara2 keinjek beberapa stage crew
• keligking kiri yang kuku nya ilang sebelah karena ketimpa meja cafe dan masih juga diinjek para cast yang dengan biadabnya pake sepatu boot
• jempol kaki kanan yang ketusuk paku diatas stage
• dan yang paling bombastis adalah tumit kaki kanan gue sukses robek karena kecantol paku yang asik asikan nongol di stage..
  

(dan moral story yang gue dapat adalah, kalo cast yang cedera, SEANTERO AUDITORIUM heboh bener, giliran anak stage crew yang brangsakan, malah DIKETAWAIN! sungguh kesenjangan sosial)

jadi alkisah, produksi ke-10 teatro kali ini judulnya Les Miserables, cerita nya berkisar di jaman revolusi prancis gitu lah gue juga kurang paham lantaran gue cuma bisa nonton pertunjukannya kayak wayang soalnya cuma bisa nonton lewat kaen item, (kalo hoki baru bisa ngintip lewat sela- sela, sungguh mengenaskan...) punya lagu yang lumayan asoy geboy.
dan mungkin juga karena tiap hari denger, lama-lama cuci otak lah tu lagu. dan saking di backstage itu ngga ada hiburan nya sama sekali, kami anak- anak wing kiri pun cuma bisa nyanyi- nyanyi heboh tanpa suara sambil gegaya-an ato jejogedan super camen mau lagu nya emang up beat ataupun mellow, dan sungguh sangat celaka, pas lagi runthrough ke sekian, pas lagu master of the house atau lovely ladies (gue lupa), gue lagi joget maha camen, eh ternyata LAGI DIREKAM AJA DONG SAMA ANAK LSPR TV!
iyes banget dah malu nya juara dunia akherat! dan lo tau apa yang dilakukan anak- anak wing gue? bukannya prihatin gitu ya sama masa depan gue, mereka sukses KETAWA'IN GUE TANPA SUARA SAMPE NYARIS GEGULINGAN!
sungguh mereka kawan- kawan yang solidaritas nya tinggi abis! *geleng geleng kepala sambil urut jidat*

dan ngga cuma itu sodara- sodari ku sekalian, pas lagi persiapan hari pertama, di stage lagi banyak banget kaen hitam bertebaran, dan gue yang lagi sok cihuy nya lari- lari pun sukses keserimpet dan NGEJELEDAK diatas stage ,
iya sini saya ulangin lagi,
SAYA SUKSES KESERIMPET KAIN HITAM DAN JATUH NGEJELEDAK PANTAT DULUAN DI ATAS STAGE SEMENTARA DI STAGE LAGI RAME ANAK STAGE CREW DAN DI CONTROL ROOM UDAH PADA STANDBY!
iya.. saya NGEJELEDAK!
kalian mau tau rasanya?
sakitnya JUARA DEMI LANGIT DAN BUMI,
dan malu nya JUARA DUNIA AKHERAT!
dan silahkan bayangkan saja reaksi teman- teman jahanam saya itu..
gue sampe diketawa'in abis-abisan sama si piki.. wadefakkkkk!!!!!!!

tapi, terlepas dari sekian banyak kesialan dan keapesan yang gue alami selama hampir seminggu, terlepas dari kurang lebih 30 luka- luka yang bersemayam di badan gue, gue juga dapet kenangan yang udah ngga paham lagi lah gue kadar gokilnya.
gimana kita nginep rame- rame kerjaannya cuma gosip sama ngerusuh aja sampe jam 3 pagi bareng vicka, destya, anggia.
terus dengan taraf tengil yang luar biasa, gue, adit dan ririn sok keluar apartemen buat cari makan jam 2 pagi, dan baru tidur jam 4 pagi sementara besoknya msti ngumpul jam setengah 10 pagi. dan kalo yang diobrolin penting sih gue ngga masalah, nah ini? topik perbincangan maha random dari enaknya nasi goreng yang kita makan, gue yang akhirnya bisa boker setelah 3 hari ngga boker, ukuran telunjuk kaki nya ririn, pantat nya adit, sampe akhirnya terjadi pertumpahan darah atas persengketaan wilayah kekuasaan alias tempat tidur yang tetep loh akhirnya ngga memuaskan pihak manapun.
dan alhasil gue, ririn, dan adit turun jam setengah 10 ke kampus dengan tampang kayak zombie.
ngantuk tingkat akut, muka lelah, rambut awut-awutan diiket asal-asalan sementara vicka, anggia, dan destya muka nya seger banget cukup tidur...































setelah 3 hari ngga teatro, kangen nya langsung berasa.
dari kangen denger kak ntep ngomong "ntep clear", ato dia heboh sendiri rempong ngoceh "bocor..bocor...",
kangen banget nyanyi " who am i? TWO FOUR SIX O ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" tanpa suara sambil nungguin black out sama anak- anak yang lain.
kangen nge-jaga-in kursi rapuh yang kalau hancur sebelum waktu nya, akan menghancurkan hidup gue karena gue pasti dimaki sama kak ntep dan kak ira padahal pas show, kursi rapuh terkutuk itu memang diciptakan untuk DIHANCURKAN.
sungguh terimakasih *sampe sekarang masih ngiri banget sama kak anes dan eja yang asik-asikan ngancurin kursi rapuh gue padahal di backstage gue jaga sepenuh hati jiwa raga* *oke barusan gue lebay. maaf*
tapi mungkin yang bakal paling dikangenin adalah pas mau break act 1 ke act 2, pas lagu "one day more", kita semua bener- bener ikutan nyanyi dan begitu blackout lompat- lompat sendiri di backstage gara- gara act 1 nya udah selesai artinya pekerjaan berat sudah selesai.
parah, banyak banget yang dikangenin...
gue bahkan kangen makan OCEAN di storage pas barricade!
kangen bolak balik nyariin si Gavrouche (ebi), eponine, Valjean, dan Javert yang ngga tau kenapa kok perasaan susaaaaaaahhh banget buat dicariin buat nyobain lompatin barricade.
dan yang paling poll gue akan sangat kangen gegila-an bareng anak- anak stage crew yang gue udah bener- bener ngga paham lagi deh... (salam YU LIP MAI HOS wahai kawan- kawan se-geng pegang tangan!)

dan yang paling juara adalah,
setelah semiggu dituntut bekerja dalam gelap, gue yang tadinya rabun gelap, jadi terbiasa liat dalam gelap, dan karena kerjaannya cuma nongkrong gelap- gelap an, begitu sekali kena lampu... begh... gue udah bener- bener ngga paham deh ini taraf liar nya anak- anak stage crew.
dari yang ketawa- ketawa sampe ngedeprok dan ngesot- ngesot di lantai saking lemes nya padahal ngga ada yang lucu, sampe gegulingan di backstage saking kurang nya hiburan.
jadi bagi kalian, siapa saja yang kebetulan pernah melihat tingkah anak- anak stage crew yang kurang behave, tolong, salahkan lampu! karena begitu ketemu terang, kami jadi hyperactive...
hahahahahaa...

and i know this post going to be too long, but please maafkan saya karena there's too much crazy moments to be remembered...
dan mungkin dari semua nya, setengah nya adalah ketololan yang gue lakukan.
selain jejogetan maha camen yang menghasilkan sukses di rekam oleh anak lsprtv, ngejeledak dengan sukses diatas stage, dan bibir gue kepentok krat kayu, gue juga melakukan ketololan seperti NGEDEPROK di lift kampus tanpa perduli tatapan "ini anak freak banget sih" dari orang- orang gara- gara ngga mampu berdiri habis nge-gotong sekantong penuh kain entah berapa meter dari apartemen ke kampus, dan yes, tepat sekali, gue sukses diketawain sama para cast yang lagi asik makan begitu pintu lift terbuka di lantai 3 yang memperlihatkan pemandangan gue selonjoran di lantai lift sambil nendang- nendang kantong segede umat supaya keluar dari lift dengan susah payah. TOTAL deh pokoknya.

ah kalo mau dilanjutin posting kali ini ngga akan ada abisnya...
jadi sudahlah, lain waktu kita sambung lagi...
mungkin nanti setelah after party, gue akan post lagi hal- hal behind the scene of Les Miserables behind the scene's.

oh iya ini beberapa foto- foto kemaren...

diatas ini foto bersama ebi, vicka, dan ca'u..

dan dibawah ini beberapa kondisi hancur setelah curtain call atau bowing..

dan ya Tuhan, setelah nge-fans semenjak taon lalu dia jadi Tony di West Side Story taon lalu,
akhirnya taon ini gue berhasil foto bareng, di peluk dan dicium sama GLENO!
*lemes pas inget dicium sama gleno*

and another update :
gue teringat satu hal yang ngga akan pernah gue lupakan.
alkisah di stage lagi hectic banget mau persiapan buat GR.
gue lagi sibuk nge-getok-in paku-paku jahanam di stage pake sepatu gue sampe tuh si sepatu bocel- bocel,
dan yang lain sibuk masing- masing, sedangkan si vicka sapta, sara rozelina dan kak ntep sibuk nempelin lakban di kain item supaya ngga "bocor", tiba- tiba terjadi perbincangan paling jahanam...

vicka : *sambil megangin lakban* "ini motongnya musti pake benda tajam nih.." *berjalan ke arah gue, bawa lakban* "rei, mulut lo dong...!" *nyodorin lakban*
gue : *terpana atas ke brengsek an temen sendiri* "BRENGSEK.... "