i think i need to be more selfish than i am right now...
huffffhh.....
seorang sahabat pernah berkata :
"buat temen, apa sih yang lo ngga?"
lagi sahabat yang lain berkata :
"asal bisa bikin temen lu seneng, lu tuh pasti tolong temen lu apapun yang terjadi re..."
gue pun pernah berkata :
"iyah...buat temen apa sih yang gue ngga? jangankan cuma mengorbankan semua kenyamanan gue, ibaratnya kaki jadi kepala, kepala jadi kaki juga gue rela asal bisa bikin temen gue seneng..."
si gue juga pernah berkata pada seorang sahabat :
"kayaknya gue butuh deh jadi lebih egois..."
jawaban sahabat yang lain :
"peduli sama orang lain = bagus. tapi peduli sama orang lain tanpa peduli diri lu sendiri = ngga bagus."
si gue pernah bertanya lagi sama seorang sahabat yang lain :
"kayaknya gue ini emang ngga bisa dan ngga boleh jadi egois barang semenit aja yah?!"
dan jawaban si sahabat :
"iyah. lu emang ngga bisa re jadi egois..."
hmmm....
gue butuh jadi lebih egois.
gue butuh bisa lebih egois supaya gue mampu bilang "ngga" buat permintaan- permintaan mereka yang way too much for me to handle.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
i need to being able not to feel any pain again
okay.
someone ask me 'what exactly the pain im having' right now.
hmmm.....
gue juga ngga tau.
oke,
sebenernya i feel the pain that i'm not really having. i feel the pain that not really exist.
like some imaginary pain.
my brother told me that is in my mind. my mental is sick. not my body.
hahahaha...
now i sound like a freak or weirdo..hahhaha...
ya the truth is,
gue merasa sooooooo much in pain. gue berasa kesakitan dimanapun. my head, my brain. my chest, my heart. my stomach. my skin. everywhere. tapi sebenernya sakit itu ngga bener- bener ada. sakitnya cuma sekedar imajinasi gue, halusinasi gue.
seharusnya kalo gue sadar semua ini cuma imajinasi gue, sakitnya ilang. seharusnya sakitnya hilang. but the pain still there. and this pain is getting worse day by day.
every day i woke up and i feel sick. i feel awful. i feel damage.
i feel dysfunction.
i feel helpless, useless. and damage. unrepairable.
gue ketawa miris nyaris hysterical waktu gue harusnya nangis.
gue nangis gemeteran waktu gue ga seharusnya nangis.
gue diem waktu reality bites me and then i laugh. i just laugh. i laugh with no particular reason. i just laugh hystericaly.
i can't feel any euphoria even a bit because this pain is excruciating.
and if someoe ask me 'why are you in so much pain?"
i can't answer it.
semua orang mengira gara- gara "dia".
well, sebagian iya.
sebagian diri gue rusak mungkin karena dia.
tapi ngga cuma gara- gara dia.
there is so much things happen. and nothing great comes to my life lately. every single thing that was come in my life just a hard big punch in my back head.
and i can't take this anymore...
i couldn't bear this pain any more.
this pain make me miserable.
make me feel bad. feel insecure. feel empty. feel lost. feel wrong. feel awfully awful...
so i'm begging...
i'm begging to everyone to cured me...
just please get this pain gone.
cos i have enough pain for several months.
and i need this pain to be gone. i need be normal again.
i need to being able not to feel any pain again.
someone ask me 'what exactly the pain im having' right now.
hmmm.....
gue juga ngga tau.
oke,
sebenernya i feel the pain that i'm not really having. i feel the pain that not really exist.
like some imaginary pain.
my brother told me that is in my mind. my mental is sick. not my body.
hahahaha...
now i sound like a freak or weirdo..hahhaha...
ya the truth is,
gue merasa sooooooo much in pain. gue berasa kesakitan dimanapun. my head, my brain. my chest, my heart. my stomach. my skin. everywhere. tapi sebenernya sakit itu ngga bener- bener ada. sakitnya cuma sekedar imajinasi gue, halusinasi gue.
seharusnya kalo gue sadar semua ini cuma imajinasi gue, sakitnya ilang. seharusnya sakitnya hilang. but the pain still there. and this pain is getting worse day by day.
every day i woke up and i feel sick. i feel awful. i feel damage.
i feel dysfunction.
i feel helpless, useless. and damage. unrepairable.
gue ketawa miris nyaris hysterical waktu gue harusnya nangis.
gue nangis gemeteran waktu gue ga seharusnya nangis.
gue diem waktu reality bites me and then i laugh. i just laugh. i laugh with no particular reason. i just laugh hystericaly.
i can't feel any euphoria even a bit because this pain is excruciating.
and if someoe ask me 'why are you in so much pain?"
i can't answer it.
semua orang mengira gara- gara "dia".
well, sebagian iya.
sebagian diri gue rusak mungkin karena dia.
tapi ngga cuma gara- gara dia.
there is so much things happen. and nothing great comes to my life lately. every single thing that was come in my life just a hard big punch in my back head.
and i can't take this anymore...
i couldn't bear this pain any more.
this pain make me miserable.
make me feel bad. feel insecure. feel empty. feel lost. feel wrong. feel awfully awful...
so i'm begging...
i'm begging to everyone to cured me...
just please get this pain gone.
cos i have enough pain for several months.
and i need this pain to be gone. i need be normal again.
i need to being able not to feel any pain again.
this pain is getting worse day by day...
this pain is killing me softly.
i just couldn't take it anymore...
every day, the pain grow bigger and being more, more, more, and more painful.
i can't take this anymore..
i can't take anymore pain...
i just want this pain to stop. being disappeared...
i just want to be cured...
this pain is killing me softly.
i just couldn't take it anymore...
every day, the pain grow bigger and being more, more, more, and more painful.
i can't take this anymore..
i can't take anymore pain...
i just want this pain to stop. being disappeared...
i just want to be cured...
Monday, February 16, 2009
brainless.heartless
di salah satu post gue dulu, gue pernah ngebahas soal kalimat-nya Rangga di film AADC yang kalo ngga salah bunyi nya "salah satu dari kita pasti lebih punya otak atau hati...."
seseorang emang pasti punya yang namanya otak dan hati.
bedanya cuma, yang mana yang lebih mampu bekerja. otaknya. atau hati nya.
gue...
gue sempet berpikir untuk berhenti mikir.
berhenti menggunakan otak gue demi bahagia karena gue beranggapan semua rasa sedih yang gue rasa itu awalnya dari pikiran- pikiran negatif gue, jadi gue berasumsi dengan gue berhenti mikir gue ga akan sedih lagi.
tapi celaka nya.
gue ini seorang thinker.
semua- mua nya gue pikirin.
semua- mua nya gue pikirin dari yang peling penting sampe yang paling ngga penting. dari yang paling keliatan sampe yang paling detil.semuanya gue pikirin.
awalnya gue emang mampu mencoba stop berfikir.
stop mikir and just be grateful.
awalnya it works.
mungkin gue belum bahagia,
tapi setidaknya gue ga bersedih.
the pain just stop.
tapi ternyata itu ngga bertahan lama.
gue mulai kembali mikir.
bahkan sekarang lebih parah.
yang kemaren- kemaren gue ga pikirin malah jadi kepikiran semua.
and i just wished if i can be brainless...
so i can stop think and just be grateful so the pain will stop (again).
karena ternyata ngga mikir itu ide bruk buat gue dan itu sama sekali ngga bekerja.
and this pain.
this pain is killing me...
this endlessly pain is freakin killin' me...!
and this pain has to stop before i think to stop my life..(hahhahha)
jadi gue mencoba buat ngga merasa.
gue mencoba mematikan semua rasa gue.
and i wished...
i wish if i can be heartless...
seorang sahabat menulis di note fesbuknya,
dan gue memberikan komentar,
"Reigina Tjahaya
seseorang emang pasti punya yang namanya otak dan hati.
bedanya cuma, yang mana yang lebih mampu bekerja. otaknya. atau hati nya.
gue...
gue sempet berpikir untuk berhenti mikir.
berhenti menggunakan otak gue demi bahagia karena gue beranggapan semua rasa sedih yang gue rasa itu awalnya dari pikiran- pikiran negatif gue, jadi gue berasumsi dengan gue berhenti mikir gue ga akan sedih lagi.
tapi celaka nya.
gue ini seorang thinker.
semua- mua nya gue pikirin.
semua- mua nya gue pikirin dari yang peling penting sampe yang paling ngga penting. dari yang paling keliatan sampe yang paling detil.semuanya gue pikirin.
awalnya gue emang mampu mencoba stop berfikir.
stop mikir and just be grateful.
awalnya it works.
mungkin gue belum bahagia,
tapi setidaknya gue ga bersedih.
the pain just stop.
tapi ternyata itu ngga bertahan lama.
gue mulai kembali mikir.
bahkan sekarang lebih parah.
yang kemaren- kemaren gue ga pikirin malah jadi kepikiran semua.
and i just wished if i can be brainless...
so i can stop think and just be grateful so the pain will stop (again).
karena ternyata ngga mikir itu ide bruk buat gue dan itu sama sekali ngga bekerja.
and this pain.
this pain is killing me...
this endlessly pain is freakin killin' me...!
and this pain has to stop before i think to stop my life..(hahhahha)
jadi gue mencoba buat ngga merasa.
gue mencoba mematikan semua rasa gue.
and i wished...
i wish if i can be heartless...
seorang sahabat menulis di note fesbuknya,
"dead insidei just wish i was dead inside, wish that WE were dead inside
not having any heart and not being able to feel anything, i guess that's the dream
if by that, it means i cant feel happiness nor sadness, then it'll be fine with me. i dont mind.
not being able to feel happiness is the price i gotta pay to not being able to feel pain" (thanks to sheila)
dan gue memberikan komentar,
"Reigina Tjahaya
ahhhhhh sheilaaa....sama persis banget sama apa yg gue rasa dan pikirkan sekarang...
gue ga peduli ngga bisa seneng (toh gue ga pernah seneng ini) asal ngga usah ngerasa sedih,sakit,dan semua perasaan2 ngga enak ini!"
iyah...
i want to be heartless.
ngga punya hati.
i don't care if i can't feel any happiness if i have no heart.
gue ngga peduli kalo gue ngga bisa lagi bahagia.
i ain't loss anything...
gue ga kehilangan apapun kalo gue ga bisa bahagia karena kenyataannya juga toh gue ga pernah merasa bahagia.
gue cuma mau rasa sakit ini ilang.
i'm willing to do anything to stop this endlessly pain.
i'm willing not being able feel any happiness just to being able can't feel any sadness nor pain.
i choose having no heart than feel this bloody-never-ending-bitter-pain and sadness even a little while longer...
gue ga peduli ngga bisa seneng (toh gue ga pernah seneng ini) asal ngga usah ngerasa sedih,sakit,dan semua perasaan2 ngga enak ini!"
iyah...
i want to be heartless.
ngga punya hati.
i don't care if i can't feel any happiness if i have no heart.
gue ngga peduli kalo gue ngga bisa lagi bahagia.
i ain't loss anything...
gue ga kehilangan apapun kalo gue ga bisa bahagia karena kenyataannya juga toh gue ga pernah merasa bahagia.
gue cuma mau rasa sakit ini ilang.
i'm willing to do anything to stop this endlessly pain.
i'm willing not being able feel any happiness just to being able can't feel any sadness nor pain.
i choose having no heart than feel this bloody-never-ending-bitter-pain and sadness even a little while longer...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
i love writing..
i love writing.
stuff. stories. experience. fantasies.
i love writing.
i just soooo in love with writing.
writing is part of my day. my life. may soul.
writing is one of my passion. my desire. my dream. my obsession.
i love playing with words. letter. phrases.
i love find the match word, the perfect word, the suitable word to express my feelings.
no.
i'm not an autistic girl who can't talk to express my feelings or silently shy kinda' girl so i prefer to write.
no.
i love to speak.
i love to talk about stuff.
but writing felt so much different with talking.
write makes me comfortable.
makes me feel like playing with my old stuff.
like i'm in my happy place.
my own amusement park.
yeah in bottom line, i love to write.
but there is one tinny little problem.
i never feel like i can write something good.
something really- really good.
something great.
i always assume my writing just some crap. some shit.
i never really had a PIECE.
my PIECE.
like something hugely GREAT.
like something people actually would like to read. would love to read.
yeah...
i always doubted my self...
i always thought i never be good enough for something or for anything.
or am i actually never been good enough for anything??
stuff. stories. experience. fantasies.
i love writing.
i just soooo in love with writing.
writing is part of my day. my life. may soul.
writing is one of my passion. my desire. my dream. my obsession.
i love playing with words. letter. phrases.
i love find the match word, the perfect word, the suitable word to express my feelings.
no.
i'm not an autistic girl who can't talk to express my feelings or silently shy kinda' girl so i prefer to write.
no.
i love to speak.
i love to talk about stuff.
but writing felt so much different with talking.
write makes me comfortable.
makes me feel like playing with my old stuff.
like i'm in my happy place.
my own amusement park.
yeah in bottom line, i love to write.
but there is one tinny little problem.
i never feel like i can write something good.
something really- really good.
something great.
i always assume my writing just some crap. some shit.
i never really had a PIECE.
my PIECE.
like something hugely GREAT.
like something people actually would like to read. would love to read.
yeah...
i always doubted my self...
i always thought i never be good enough for something or for anything.
or am i actually never been good enough for anything??
50 facts about me...
gue bosen.
liburan. dan bosan.
jadi gue pun mencari- cari kerjaan.
tapi stuck karena ngga ada yang bisa dikerjain (well.ngga ada yang mau gue kerjain selain tiduran di depan leptop), ngga punya film lagi buat ditonton (semua masih dalam tahap pen-donlot-an), dan lagi ngga punya buku buat dibaca (kecuali breaking dawn nya tata yang lagi terlihat kurang menggiurkan).
terus tiba- tiba gue teringat.
suatu ketika (cieilehhh), seorang teman nge-tag gue di salah satu notes di fesbuk. about 16 random facts about you.
dengan segenap ke tertarikan, gue pun mulai mikirin 16 facts tentang diri gue and i found it oddly hard and challenging. hahahahhaha.....
nahhh......
berhubung gue punya waktu almost seharian mikirin tentang fakta- fakta lainnya tentang diri gue, gue pun mau melanjutkan ke-16 fakta tentang diri gue itu jadi 20, maybe 25, 30, berapapun yang bisa gue dapatkan dalam sehari ini.hahaha
here it goes...
liburan. dan bosan.
jadi gue pun mencari- cari kerjaan.
tapi stuck karena ngga ada yang bisa dikerjain (well.ngga ada yang mau gue kerjain selain tiduran di depan leptop), ngga punya film lagi buat ditonton (semua masih dalam tahap pen-donlot-an), dan lagi ngga punya buku buat dibaca (kecuali breaking dawn nya tata yang lagi terlihat kurang menggiurkan).
terus tiba- tiba gue teringat.
suatu ketika (cieilehhh), seorang teman nge-tag gue di salah satu notes di fesbuk. about 16 random facts about you.
dengan segenap ke tertarikan, gue pun mulai mikirin 16 facts tentang diri gue and i found it oddly hard and challenging. hahahahhaha.....
nahhh......
berhubung gue punya waktu almost seharian mikirin tentang fakta- fakta lainnya tentang diri gue, gue pun mau melanjutkan ke-16 fakta tentang diri gue itu jadi 20, maybe 25, 30, berapapun yang bisa gue dapatkan dalam sehari ini.hahaha
here it goes...
Rules:
1. Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
2. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged.
3. You have to tag the person who tagged you.
4. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.
i was tagged by: aldamayo panjaitan
16 random facts about me:
1. punya ingatan super pendek, sependek rok mini sekretaris penggoda bos dan suka berasa 'pernah' punya otak padahal airhead
2. suka dan cinta mati sama bjork meski ga tau apa- apa soal bjork
3. obsesi : nama gue tercetak sebagai pengarang di sampul sebuah novel yang akan dibaca semua orang
4. hampir masuk sekolah sinematografi tapi gatot gara- gara dianggep kurang punya masa depan sama bokap
5. i'm afraid being grown-up. merasa bagaikan anak kecil yang tersesat dalam dimensi waktu yang salah dan terjebak di tubuh remaja. tapi suka sebel klo di-ceng-in anak SD sama semua orang.
6. phobia abis terhadap semua binatang berbulu dan berambut kecuali kiwi
7. ngga suka lagu yang gue ga ngerti bahasa nya
8. addictive banget sama yang namanya AIR MINERAL
9. ga bisa *pup* klo ngga dirumah dan ngga ada air mengalir.
10. selalu ingin punya tato dan piercing lidah tapi (selalu) ga jadi gara- gara takut kesakitan.
11. sangatlah tidak mampu ber multi-tasking layaknya wanita lain..(single-tasking aja berantakan mulu.gimana multi-tasking?)
12. ga pernah nonton godfather. selalu menangis saat ntn i am sam. udah nonton "10 things i hate about you" for 10 times.
13. selalu merasa berkewajiban nonton semua karya jhonny depp, helena bonham carter, dan tim burton. -- dan selalu berdecak kagum akan hasilnya
14. selalu suka film drama cheesy romantis nan termehek2 yang berakhir happy ending tapi selalu feel sad dan berandai2 setelah selesai nonton
15. punya tempat persembunyian barang- barang rahasia : di dalem kursi meja rias (kursi meja rias gue berbentuk sebuah kotak kayu yang bisa diisi macem2 dalemnya dan ada bantalan buat duduk di atasnya)
16. tanda klo gue stres : GATEL- GATEL dan berak-berak. (sumpah ga elit abis yah penyakit gue??)
17. punya boneka kelinci gembul berbaju merah garis2 yang bisa bikin gue senyum kalo liat boneka itu.
18. jadi internet junkies dan pembajak profesional sejak mengecap nikmatnya nonton film dengan gratis lewat streaming atopun nge donlot.
19. very- very hugable.
20. berjiwa sangat pembangkang.
21. ngga pernah ngerti apa arti kata "indehoy"
22. afraid of believing.
23. sering berkomentar sangat jahat terhadap hal- hal aneh atau orang- orang aneh yang gue jumpai secara reflek dan ngga sadar
24. ngga suka bersentuhan sama orang ngga gue kenal di tempat umum dan punya reflek super jelek ngga super ngga sopan kalo tabrakan sama orang ngga dikenal yang pasti bikin gue minta di tabokin (mengernyit, dan ngelap bagian yang tersentuh secara reflek)
25. addictive sama tv series semacam gossip girl, grey's anatomy, ugly betty karena merasa punay beberapa kemiripan dengan tokoh- tokoh di film itu.
26. selalu takut sama my own wild dreams
27. ngga suka buku self-help
28. pernah mimpi jadi motivator yang kayaknya hanya tinggal angan belaka
29. selalu nganggep tao ming se itu ganteng meski gue sering mati- mati an denial
30. merasa film korea sangat menghibur hati sepi di kala gundah
31. sering nonton film sampah cuma dengan alesan yang main ganteng
32. selalu menyimak setiap dialog fim yang gue tonton karena merasa i can learn a lot dari quote- quote itu.
33. selalu nangis dan merasa miris setiap nonton city of angels
34. i hate being alone but sometimes i choose to be alone.
35. selalu dibilang galak, tapi ngga pernah merasa galak.
36. gue suka masak meski ngga bisa
37. gue tergila- gila sama seafood, sushi dan makanan jepang.
38. sering berasa punya keprbadian ganda
39. selalu merasa gue seharusnya lebih egois
40. merasa perjalanan ke kampus dan pulang kampus itu sangat melelahkan
41. suka merasa bersalah ngebajak (beli bajakan, ngopi film atau donlot) film indonesia, but i still did it anyway
42. pengen punya pabrik sepatu
43. suka sama anak kecil banget tapi ngga suka banget orang ngerengek- ngerengek annoying.
44. sangat suka berdiskusi, berdebat dan ngobrol pintar dengan orang- orang yang ngga 'mengernyit' kebingungan what the hell am i talking.
45. selalu merasa diri ini cupu, kuper dan ngga gaul
46. lagu always on my mind nya michael bubble selalu membawa kenangan kurang enak dan make me feel sad
47. sering menghubungkan seseorang dengan sebuah lagu.
contoh : kalo denger lagu pacarku nya shaden gue inget benardi. kalo denger sontreknya tokyo drift sama welcome to my paradise gue inget ary. kalo denger gasolina gue inget agus. dan banyak lainnya.
48. tergila- gila sama fragrance
49. sangat- sangat suka film kartun apapun itu
50. suka beli happy meal, paket chaki, ato kidzu bento supaya dapet mainan nya. *well. i thing i really just a kiddo after all..."
1. Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
2. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged.
3. You have to tag the person who tagged you.
4. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.
i was tagged by: aldamayo panjaitan
16 random facts about me:
1. punya ingatan super pendek, sependek rok mini sekretaris penggoda bos dan suka berasa 'pernah' punya otak padahal airhead
2. suka dan cinta mati sama bjork meski ga tau apa- apa soal bjork
3. obsesi : nama gue tercetak sebagai pengarang di sampul sebuah novel yang akan dibaca semua orang
4. hampir masuk sekolah sinematografi tapi gatot gara- gara dianggep kurang punya masa depan sama bokap
5. i'm afraid being grown-up. merasa bagaikan anak kecil yang tersesat dalam dimensi waktu yang salah dan terjebak di tubuh remaja. tapi suka sebel klo di-ceng-in anak SD sama semua orang.
6. phobia abis terhadap semua binatang berbulu dan berambut kecuali kiwi
7. ngga suka lagu yang gue ga ngerti bahasa nya
8. addictive banget sama yang namanya AIR MINERAL
9. ga bisa *pup* klo ngga dirumah dan ngga ada air mengalir.
10. selalu ingin punya tato dan piercing lidah tapi (selalu) ga jadi gara- gara takut kesakitan.
11. sangatlah tidak mampu ber multi-tasking layaknya wanita lain..(single-tasking aja berantakan mulu.gimana multi-tasking?)
12. ga pernah nonton godfather. selalu menangis saat ntn i am sam. udah nonton "10 things i hate about you" for 10 times.
13. selalu merasa berkewajiban nonton semua karya jhonny depp, helena bonham carter, dan tim burton. -- dan selalu berdecak kagum akan hasilnya
14. selalu suka film drama cheesy romantis nan termehek2 yang berakhir happy ending tapi selalu feel sad dan berandai2 setelah selesai nonton
15. punya tempat persembunyian barang- barang rahasia : di dalem kursi meja rias (kursi meja rias gue berbentuk sebuah kotak kayu yang bisa diisi macem2 dalemnya dan ada bantalan buat duduk di atasnya)
16. tanda klo gue stres : GATEL- GATEL dan berak-berak. (sumpah ga elit abis yah penyakit gue??)
17. punya boneka kelinci gembul berbaju merah garis2 yang bisa bikin gue senyum kalo liat boneka itu.
18. jadi internet junkies dan pembajak profesional sejak mengecap nikmatnya nonton film dengan gratis lewat streaming atopun nge donlot.
19. very- very hugable.
20. berjiwa sangat pembangkang.
21. ngga pernah ngerti apa arti kata "indehoy"
22. afraid of believing.
23. sering berkomentar sangat jahat terhadap hal- hal aneh atau orang- orang aneh yang gue jumpai secara reflek dan ngga sadar
24. ngga suka bersentuhan sama orang ngga gue kenal di tempat umum dan punya reflek super jelek ngga super ngga sopan kalo tabrakan sama orang ngga dikenal yang pasti bikin gue minta di tabokin (mengernyit, dan ngelap bagian yang tersentuh secara reflek)
25. addictive sama tv series semacam gossip girl, grey's anatomy, ugly betty karena merasa punay beberapa kemiripan dengan tokoh- tokoh di film itu.
26. selalu takut sama my own wild dreams
27. ngga suka buku self-help
28. pernah mimpi jadi motivator yang kayaknya hanya tinggal angan belaka
29. selalu nganggep tao ming se itu ganteng meski gue sering mati- mati an denial
30. merasa film korea sangat menghibur hati sepi di kala gundah
31. sering nonton film sampah cuma dengan alesan yang main ganteng
32. selalu menyimak setiap dialog fim yang gue tonton karena merasa i can learn a lot dari quote- quote itu.
33. selalu nangis dan merasa miris setiap nonton city of angels
34. i hate being alone but sometimes i choose to be alone.
35. selalu dibilang galak, tapi ngga pernah merasa galak.
36. gue suka masak meski ngga bisa
37. gue tergila- gila sama seafood, sushi dan makanan jepang.
38. sering berasa punya keprbadian ganda
39. selalu merasa gue seharusnya lebih egois
40. merasa perjalanan ke kampus dan pulang kampus itu sangat melelahkan
41. suka merasa bersalah ngebajak (beli bajakan, ngopi film atau donlot) film indonesia, but i still did it anyway
42. pengen punya pabrik sepatu
43. suka sama anak kecil banget tapi ngga suka banget orang ngerengek- ngerengek annoying.
44. sangat suka berdiskusi, berdebat dan ngobrol pintar dengan orang- orang yang ngga 'mengernyit' kebingungan what the hell am i talking.
45. selalu merasa diri ini cupu, kuper dan ngga gaul
46. lagu always on my mind nya michael bubble selalu membawa kenangan kurang enak dan make me feel sad
47. sering menghubungkan seseorang dengan sebuah lagu.
contoh : kalo denger lagu pacarku nya shaden gue inget benardi. kalo denger sontreknya tokyo drift sama welcome to my paradise gue inget ary. kalo denger gasolina gue inget agus. dan banyak lainnya.
48. tergila- gila sama fragrance
49. sangat- sangat suka film kartun apapun itu
50. suka beli happy meal, paket chaki, ato kidzu bento supaya dapet mainan nya. *well. i thing i really just a kiddo after all..."
Monday, February 9, 2009
bitterly alone, depressingly sad, dark and twisty life a.k.a reality
i hate...
i hate...
and i hate..
when i said "i hate almost everything", what i mean is (literally) i hate ALMOST every-fuckin'-thing. not a lie or some metaphor to sound interesting. no..
when i said "i hate almost everything", i mean it.
besides all the THINGS I've already mentioned in my older post about what I'm scared of, hate, or dislike.
there is other thing that i hate.
i hate special day.
i hate special occasion in our calendar.
i hate big day.
i hate celebration.
i hate the day when we're expected spent the day with other people.
so i definitely hate the day like birthday, new year's eve, Saturday night, and yeah.. valentine's day.
maybe some of you would unite your eyebrows, caught by surprise how could be possible a person doesn't like such a sweet, nice, fun and happy moment like that? how could i possibly hate the day when we can share such a lovey-dovey-moments?
well...
i also ask my self how could i be possibly hate that cheered-up moment?
how could i possibly hate that such a lovely time?
how could i possibly hate that such a perfect time to share some love?
i guess it's all because i don't have that much cheeriness (is this even a word?) to show
i don't have love that much to give or to share.
i am just an annoyingly whiner who always whine about my bitterly-lonely-sad-depressed-dark-and-twisty life.
yeah.
i don't have too much love or cheeriness or happiness to be shown or to be shared cos all i have just that lonely and pathetic day.
so i hate the day when we actually expected being with someone else.
i hate the day when we required to be with somebody else to hang out, to spent the day, so we wouldn't be called as "lonely".
the problem is....
i don't exactly have anybody to spent time with in that silly occasion.
and i hate being lonely.
i never really had anyone to hang on the day like that.
that fact just like SNAP me right into my face *PLAKKKK*.
the fact that i don't have anyone particular to hang and to spent time together in those such a lovely day give me a weird feel in my chest. in my stomach. in my heart. it just feel wrong. sad. bitter. and all along...
so i just hate it.
i hate it so i don't have to admit that deep deep deep deep very deep down in my heart i also want to feel the experience share new year's eve, birthday, or valentine's day with someone. someone i love (well.if love does really exist) and love me back...
ahhhh......
i think i just have to get back to my bitterly-lonely-depressingly sad-dark and twisty life a.k.a reality...
i hate...
and i hate..
when i said "i hate almost everything", what i mean is (literally) i hate ALMOST every-fuckin'-thing. not a lie or some metaphor to sound interesting. no..
when i said "i hate almost everything", i mean it.
besides all the THINGS I've already mentioned in my older post about what I'm scared of, hate, or dislike.
there is other thing that i hate.
i hate special day.
i hate special occasion in our calendar.
i hate big day.
i hate celebration.
i hate the day when we're expected spent the day with other people.
so i definitely hate the day like birthday, new year's eve, Saturday night, and yeah.. valentine's day.
maybe some of you would unite your eyebrows, caught by surprise how could be possible a person doesn't like such a sweet, nice, fun and happy moment like that? how could i possibly hate the day when we can share such a lovey-dovey-moments?
well...
i also ask my self how could i be possibly hate that cheered-up moment?
how could i possibly hate that such a lovely time?
how could i possibly hate that such a perfect time to share some love?
i guess it's all because i don't have that much cheeriness (is this even a word?) to show
i don't have love that much to give or to share.
i am just an annoyingly whiner who always whine about my bitterly-lonely-sad-depressed-dark-and-twisty life.
yeah.
i don't have too much love or cheeriness or happiness to be shown or to be shared cos all i have just that lonely and pathetic day.
so i hate the day when we actually expected being with someone else.
i hate the day when we required to be with somebody else to hang out, to spent the day, so we wouldn't be called as "lonely".
the problem is....
i don't exactly have anybody to spent time with in that silly occasion.
and i hate being lonely.
i never really had anyone to hang on the day like that.
that fact just like SNAP me right into my face *PLAKKKK*.
the fact that i don't have anyone particular to hang and to spent time together in those such a lovely day give me a weird feel in my chest. in my stomach. in my heart. it just feel wrong. sad. bitter. and all along...
so i just hate it.
i hate it so i don't have to admit that deep deep deep deep very deep down in my heart i also want to feel the experience share new year's eve, birthday, or valentine's day with someone. someone i love (well.if love does really exist) and love me back...
ahhhh......
i think i just have to get back to my bitterly-lonely-depressingly sad-dark and twisty life a.k.a reality...
Saturday, February 7, 2009
buat mereka, gue itu... #2
lanjutan dari posting gue di http://celotehbodohnyarei.blogspot.com/2008/08/buat-mereka-gue-itu.html , ini beberapa pendapat lagi tentang gue dari temen- temen gue...
buat mereka, gue itu....
kata tete,
Asti says:
lu adalah teman yang paling mengerti gue
Asti says:
bahkan kalo lu lelaki
Asti says:
lu udah bisa dibilang sama seperti pacar gue
Asti says:
hampir memiliki prinsip yang agak2 mirip,kecuali soal nikah muda
Asti says:
dan sama2 memiliki teman yang lebih bodoh dari kita berdua
Asti says:
lu adalah anak yang gak kurang pemaksanya kaya gue
kata upik,
vic says:
jutek mampus"an
vic says: rese vic says:
bullying object
vic says:
tolol
vic says:
pinter
vic says:
asik
vic says:
jahat
vic says:
mulut lo tajem
vic says:
*mndg lo jadi hostnya insert
vic says:
suka sok dewasa
vic says:
aneh
vic says:
segede adek gw
vic says:
depresi setres mau gila
vic says:
rei si anak marsmellow
vic says:
marsmellow kan enak di pijit"
vic says:
lembek kaya lo
vic says:
di bully in mau aja, suka nambahin lagi
vic says:
backstepper sejati
vic says:
teman yang baik
vic says:
reflek nya jelek abis
vic says:
suka jelek aja ngejek banget tapi lo nya ga sadar
vic says:
lo ga sadar akan apa yang lo lakukan saat lo refleks, either maki" ato muka lo jadi minta di tabok
vic says:
klo kesenggol orang suka ngenyek mukanya
vic says:
klo liat apa gitu suka ngejek mukanya minta di pipis in
vic says:
o iya lo kan penasihat gw
vic says:
otaknya segede kerikil yang klo ketiup angin uda ilang
vic says:
nih lo tu orangnya enak buat di ajak sharing tapi pendapat lo nyakitin kadang"
vic says:
mau aja di ajakin bego
vic says:
lo tu mau pasang tampang gmn juga akhirnya bikin ketawa
vic says:
lo yang ngerusak nama gw
kata toni,
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
Reigina tjahaya itu
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
Riang!
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
Moody
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
Editor gue yang mantab, dengan efek menghilangkan tiang microphone!
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
pencerita yang baik
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
tempat curhat yg pas
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
tapi pemberi nasehat yang agak kurang buat gue!
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
..maap bgt re
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
kadang nasehat dari lu, kurang bisa gw pahami
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
antara gw yang bego, klo enga bahasa lu yang ketinggian
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
si reigina selalu menjadi penggembira
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
pemecah masalah
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
si anak yang agak Cuwek
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
abis itu
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
dia pencinta bolu pandan om nya !
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
trus dia anak yg suka kerja, tapi suka menghamburkan uang yg ga guna menurut gue!
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
kdg omongan si anak ini yang konyol, bisa jadi bahan yang seru untuk dibahas
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
nih jeleknya
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
nih anak bego yg gbs lupain masalah masa lalunya
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
yang ga guna ituu lohhh
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
mpe kadang gue kesel bgt sama bodohnya nih anak
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
mpe mgkn kata bego udah ga cocok buat lu re
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
Pengkritik dan Penulis yang cukup baik klo menurut gue!~
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
tapi bukan pengingat yang baik
kata tasya,
tasya says:
rere
tasya says:
kreatif sangat
tasya says:
klo jdi editor mjalah cocok bgt
tasya says:
penulis yg sgt baik
tasya says:
terlihat tegar dan kuat.. pdhalll.. baaaaaahhh
tasya says:
pintar
tasya says:
tmn yg sgt setia
tasya says:
ky ank kcil
tasya says:
klo mrh.. mndg jgn dkt2
tasya says:
sangat menolong
tasya says:
pndk
tasya says:
lemot
buat mereka, gue itu....
kata tete,
Asti says:
lu adalah teman yang paling mengerti gue
Asti says:
bahkan kalo lu lelaki
Asti says:
lu udah bisa dibilang sama seperti pacar gue
Asti says:
hampir memiliki prinsip yang agak2 mirip,kecuali soal nikah muda
Asti says:
dan sama2 memiliki teman yang lebih bodoh dari kita berdua
Asti says:
lu adalah anak yang gak kurang pemaksanya kaya gue
kata upik,
vic says:
jutek mampus"an
vic says: rese vic says:
bullying object
vic says:
tolol
vic says:
pinter
vic says:
asik
vic says:
jahat
vic says:
mulut lo tajem
vic says:
*mndg lo jadi hostnya insert
vic says:
suka sok dewasa
vic says:
aneh
vic says:
segede adek gw
vic says:
depresi setres mau gila
vic says:
rei si anak marsmellow
vic says:
marsmellow kan enak di pijit"
vic says:
lembek kaya lo
vic says:
di bully in mau aja, suka nambahin lagi
vic says:
backstepper sejati
vic says:
teman yang baik
vic says:
reflek nya jelek abis
vic says:
suka jelek aja ngejek banget tapi lo nya ga sadar
vic says:
lo ga sadar akan apa yang lo lakukan saat lo refleks, either maki" ato muka lo jadi minta di tabok
vic says:
klo kesenggol orang suka ngenyek mukanya
vic says:
klo liat apa gitu suka ngejek mukanya minta di pipis in
vic says:
o iya lo kan penasihat gw
vic says:
otaknya segede kerikil yang klo ketiup angin uda ilang
vic says:
nih lo tu orangnya enak buat di ajak sharing tapi pendapat lo nyakitin kadang"
vic says:
mau aja di ajakin bego
vic says:
lo tu mau pasang tampang gmn juga akhirnya bikin ketawa
vic says:
lo yang ngerusak nama gw
kata toni,
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
Reigina tjahaya itu
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
Riang!
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
Moody
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
Editor gue yang mantab, dengan efek menghilangkan tiang microphone!
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
pencerita yang baik
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
tempat curhat yg pas
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
tapi pemberi nasehat yang agak kurang buat gue!
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
..maap bgt re
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
kadang nasehat dari lu, kurang bisa gw pahami
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
antara gw yang bego, klo enga bahasa lu yang ketinggian
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
si reigina selalu menjadi penggembira
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
pemecah masalah
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
si anak yang agak Cuwek
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
abis itu
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
dia pencinta bolu pandan om nya !
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
trus dia anak yg suka kerja, tapi suka menghamburkan uang yg ga guna menurut gue!
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
kdg omongan si anak ini yang konyol, bisa jadi bahan yang seru untuk dibahas
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
nih jeleknya
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
nih anak bego yg gbs lupain masalah masa lalunya
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
yang ga guna ituu lohhh
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
mpe kadang gue kesel bgt sama bodohnya nih anak
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
mpe mgkn kata bego udah ga cocok buat lu re
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
Pengkritik dan Penulis yang cukup baik klo menurut gue!~
Tooooooonnnniiii says:
tapi bukan pengingat yang baik
kata tasya,
tasya says:
rere
tasya says:
kreatif sangat
tasya says:
klo jdi editor mjalah cocok bgt
tasya says:
penulis yg sgt baik
tasya says:
terlihat tegar dan kuat.. pdhalll.. baaaaaahhh
tasya says:
pintar
tasya says:
tmn yg sgt setia
tasya says:
ky ank kcil
tasya says:
klo mrh.. mndg jgn dkt2
tasya says:
sangat menolong
tasya says:
pndk
tasya says:
lemot
we dont need them to tell us beautiful...
semua cewe pasti pengen di puji.
deep down in her heart, pasti suka kalo dipuji. apalagi kalo sama cowo yang dia suka ato sayang.
entah itu dibilang cantik, pinter, baik, perhatian, atau apapun deh meski pujiannya sekecil apapun.
dan meski di mulut kita suka bilang mereka cuma gombal, benernya mah kita juga demen digombalin.hahhaa...
biar kata kita tau nih itu cuma sweet talk dia belaka, tapi kita juga demen di manis- manis in sama mulut mereka (ahhh..jangan muna kalian teman...).
jadi tadi gue dan seorang sahabat ngomong betapa ngenes nya kami yang ngga pernah dipuji sama sang pacar (atau mantan klo dalam kamus gue).
iyah. perasaan nih ya. seumur hidup gue kenal "dia", "dia" ngga pernah sekalipun muji gue.
hmmm... terus ada seorang shabat lagi bilang "we dont need guys to tell us that.we are beautiful no matter what"
and tiba2... DING!
kalimat itu serasa ring a bell di kepala gue.
kadang,
kita suka ngerasa ngga percaya diri sendiri.
suka meragukan diri kita sendiri makanya kita butuh orang lain to tell us what we wanna hear ya lewat pujian- pujian itu.
kadang kita suka ngerasa karena kita ngga pernah disebut begitu, ngga pernah dipuji begitu, maka kita ngga punya kapabiliti itu.
tapi padahal ngga gitu juga kan?
secara nih ya, kita cewe- cewe independent yang punya kehidupan sendiri, modern, maju, dan pinter pula sama sekali ngga butuh cowo manapun bahkan ngga butuh siapapun buat bilang kita ini cantik, pinter atau apapun coz we're beautiful, smart, talented, kind, and independent no matter what.
mungkin gue bukan cewe cantik. mungkin juga ngga pinter- pinter banget. ngga juga baik banget.
yang jelas gue bukan cewe yang bisa bikin cowo tertarik sama gue. but.. i don't care.
i love my self the way i am.
i know i'm not that beautiful kinda' girl who can look so dazzlingly beautiful. but so what? i know i'm "beautiful" with my own way.
i know i'm not that smarty-ass kinda' girl who gets staight A's in my report card. but so what? i know i'm "smart" with my own way.
i know i'm not that multi-talented kinda' girl who can sing,dance,play music amazingly. but so what? i know i'm "talented" with my own way.
i know i'm not that kind,sweet,polite,nice kinda' girl who always have pepsodent type of smile. but so what? i know i can be "nice" with my own way and i am indeed.
jadi kesimpulannya adalah,
gue ga perlu siapapun buat bilang gue cantik.
gue ga perlu siapapun buat bilang gue pinter.
gue ga perlu siapapun buat bilang gue baik.
coz i know i am.
*hahahhaha....agak nyombong nih gue.*
tapi kenyataannya elo semua musti mikir kayak gitu.
we're beautiful no matter what.
we're beautiful no matter what they say.
we're beautiful no matter they tell us we're beautiful or not
coz we definitely dont need them to tell us beautiful to realize that we all are beautiful with our own way...
deep down in her heart, pasti suka kalo dipuji. apalagi kalo sama cowo yang dia suka ato sayang.
entah itu dibilang cantik, pinter, baik, perhatian, atau apapun deh meski pujiannya sekecil apapun.
dan meski di mulut kita suka bilang mereka cuma gombal, benernya mah kita juga demen digombalin.hahhaa...
biar kata kita tau nih itu cuma sweet talk dia belaka, tapi kita juga demen di manis- manis in sama mulut mereka (ahhh..jangan muna kalian teman...).
jadi tadi gue dan seorang sahabat ngomong betapa ngenes nya kami yang ngga pernah dipuji sama sang pacar (atau mantan klo dalam kamus gue).
iyah. perasaan nih ya. seumur hidup gue kenal "dia", "dia" ngga pernah sekalipun muji gue.
hmmm... terus ada seorang shabat lagi bilang "we dont need guys to tell us that.we are beautiful no matter what"
and tiba2... DING!
kalimat itu serasa ring a bell di kepala gue.
kadang,
kita suka ngerasa ngga percaya diri sendiri.
suka meragukan diri kita sendiri makanya kita butuh orang lain to tell us what we wanna hear ya lewat pujian- pujian itu.
kadang kita suka ngerasa karena kita ngga pernah disebut begitu, ngga pernah dipuji begitu, maka kita ngga punya kapabiliti itu.
tapi padahal ngga gitu juga kan?
secara nih ya, kita cewe- cewe independent yang punya kehidupan sendiri, modern, maju, dan pinter pula sama sekali ngga butuh cowo manapun bahkan ngga butuh siapapun buat bilang kita ini cantik, pinter atau apapun coz we're beautiful, smart, talented, kind, and independent no matter what.
mungkin gue bukan cewe cantik. mungkin juga ngga pinter- pinter banget. ngga juga baik banget.
yang jelas gue bukan cewe yang bisa bikin cowo tertarik sama gue. but.. i don't care.
i love my self the way i am.
i know i'm not that beautiful kinda' girl who can look so dazzlingly beautiful. but so what? i know i'm "beautiful" with my own way.
i know i'm not that smarty-ass kinda' girl who gets staight A's in my report card. but so what? i know i'm "smart" with my own way.
i know i'm not that multi-talented kinda' girl who can sing,dance,play music amazingly. but so what? i know i'm "talented" with my own way.
i know i'm not that kind,sweet,polite,nice kinda' girl who always have pepsodent type of smile. but so what? i know i can be "nice" with my own way and i am indeed.
jadi kesimpulannya adalah,
gue ga perlu siapapun buat bilang gue cantik.
gue ga perlu siapapun buat bilang gue pinter.
gue ga perlu siapapun buat bilang gue baik.
coz i know i am.
*hahahhaha....agak nyombong nih gue.*
tapi kenyataannya elo semua musti mikir kayak gitu.
we're beautiful no matter what.
we're beautiful no matter what they say.
we're beautiful no matter they tell us we're beautiful or not
coz we definitely dont need them to tell us beautiful to realize that we all are beautiful with our own way...
kenapa gue suka sekali bertanya yah?
gue ini suka sekali bertanya- tanya.
gue suka banget mempertanyakan segala sesuatu dari yang paling general sampe yang paling detil.
gue suka banget mempertanyakan segala sesuatu dari yang puenting buanget sampe yang ngga penting buanget!
intinya gue suka bertanya.
gue suka bertanya karena gue suka ngetes orang lain.
gue suka nanya karena gue suka ngetes diri gue sendiri.
gue suka nanya karena gue mau tau.
dan gue suka nanya karena gue bener- bener ngga tau.
intinya gue suka nanya.
semua- mua nya gue tanya in.
dari kenapa kita hidup. apa itu hidup. apa itu bahagia. gimana cara bahagia. sampe sebenernya apa sih rasa susu pisang?
bahkan gue pun mempertanyakan "kenapa gue suka sekali bertanya?"
gue suka banget mempertanyakan segala sesuatu dari yang paling general sampe yang paling detil.
gue suka banget mempertanyakan segala sesuatu dari yang puenting buanget sampe yang ngga penting buanget!
intinya gue suka bertanya.
gue suka bertanya karena gue suka ngetes orang lain.
gue suka nanya karena gue suka ngetes diri gue sendiri.
gue suka nanya karena gue mau tau.
dan gue suka nanya karena gue bener- bener ngga tau.
intinya gue suka nanya.
semua- mua nya gue tanya in.
dari kenapa kita hidup. apa itu hidup. apa itu bahagia. gimana cara bahagia. sampe sebenernya apa sih rasa susu pisang?
bahkan gue pun mempertanyakan "kenapa gue suka sekali bertanya?"
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